Picking up the pieces
I went on as though nothing happened. I spent my nights crying and my days teaching.
I had become very good at being 2 people.
It was taking a toll on me and my family.
I try to live a life where I can be honest and upfront with others. Part of me was a secret and I didn't like it.
I slowly started telling others when it had become less painful. I found that several people I knew had experienced the same thing.
I found some people who didn't know what to say. For this being a new situation, I can't be mad at them. Comments like "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant" or "It will happen again" did little to comfort me. I felt as though it was a minimizing statement to compare a death with at least having the chance.
I was a pessimistic person who became more pessimistic if that was even possible.
I started reading up on miscarriages. It was very difficult. I meant to learn how to deal with these emotions, but it really became me re-living everything. According to the American Pregnancy Association, 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage.
I never thought it would happen to me. Never. Never. Never.
Then it turned into me comparing myself to the stories from the text: at least it wasn't a stillborn...maybe it was better I didn't have the choice like some parents must make...and so on and so on.
You just don't lose the baby: you lose the 1 year-old, the 1st grader, the pre-teen, and the high school senior that they could be. We lost our little athlete, singer, artist, bookworm, or whatever they were going to do.
We lost the future.
I had become very good at being 2 people.
It was taking a toll on me and my family.
I try to live a life where I can be honest and upfront with others. Part of me was a secret and I didn't like it.
I slowly started telling others when it had become less painful. I found that several people I knew had experienced the same thing.
I found some people who didn't know what to say. For this being a new situation, I can't be mad at them. Comments like "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant" or "It will happen again" did little to comfort me. I felt as though it was a minimizing statement to compare a death with at least having the chance.
I was a pessimistic person who became more pessimistic if that was even possible.
I started reading up on miscarriages. It was very difficult. I meant to learn how to deal with these emotions, but it really became me re-living everything. According to the American Pregnancy Association, 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage.
I never thought it would happen to me. Never. Never. Never.
Then it turned into me comparing myself to the stories from the text: at least it wasn't a stillborn...maybe it was better I didn't have the choice like some parents must make...and so on and so on.
You just don't lose the baby: you lose the 1 year-old, the 1st grader, the pre-teen, and the high school senior that they could be. We lost our little athlete, singer, artist, bookworm, or whatever they were going to do.
We lost the future.
Results from Genetic Testing
Click on the image to open a link for Turner's syndrome information.
My OB-GYN sent the fetus to a lab for testing. Most often couples want to know what was the cause of the baby's death.
She called me about 2 weeks after the D & C. She was able to tell me that it was a little girl.
I cried.
She told me that the baby girl had Turner's syndrome. It is exclusively in females. Most often the babies get miscarried. Normal females have 2 X Chromosomes, but in Turner syndrome, one of those chromosomes is missing or abnormal.
She said it was nothing that my husband or I carried. It was also non-recurring. Nothing could have prevented this for the abnormality occurred at conception.
She said that if the baby was carried to term, the girl would've had developmental delays, short stature, missing female sex organs, and heart problems.
I cried some more.
About 1 in every 1,500 to 2,500 newborn babies has Turner Syndrome. Yet according to research, monosomy X is present in about 3% of all conceptions, but about 99% of affected babies are miscarried or stillborn. The condition is thought to be a factor in roughly 15% of all miscarriages.
She called me about 2 weeks after the D & C. She was able to tell me that it was a little girl.
I cried.
She told me that the baby girl had Turner's syndrome. It is exclusively in females. Most often the babies get miscarried. Normal females have 2 X Chromosomes, but in Turner syndrome, one of those chromosomes is missing or abnormal.
She said it was nothing that my husband or I carried. It was also non-recurring. Nothing could have prevented this for the abnormality occurred at conception.
She said that if the baby was carried to term, the girl would've had developmental delays, short stature, missing female sex organs, and heart problems.
I cried some more.
About 1 in every 1,500 to 2,500 newborn babies has Turner Syndrome. Yet according to research, monosomy X is present in about 3% of all conceptions, but about 99% of affected babies are miscarried or stillborn. The condition is thought to be a factor in roughly 15% of all miscarriages.
Peace?
With this new information, I felt more at peace. I'm not a religious person...just felt a little bit better that I hadn't caused any problems to my child.
I found myself feeling stronger after know the testing results. I know that my life will be forever changed.
I still struggle with knowing what has happened in my life. I am VERY fortunate to have a husband who loves me and has been there with me every step of the way. My parents, siblings, and friends have helped me too. I am very grateful for such amazing people in my life!
This journey will continue to be difficult: I still feel slighted as I see my friends get pregnant and have (relatively) no struggles.
I don't believe in that everything happens for a reason. I don't believe it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.
If you haven't experienced it, you shouldn't comment on it.
If you're looking for things to say to those struggling with infertility or baby loss. Feel free to click the images below. It is best that you become educated so you do not alienate those you love with the wrong thing to say.
Even if you can't see someone's disease, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Being infertile or losing a baby is devastating. A simple "I'm so sorry" is better than saying nothing at all. People avoid the awkwardness, but by doing that, they alienate themselves even more.
We carry this pain with us everyday. Little reminders or seeing others with kids pour salt on wounds that just won't heal. Holidays without children feel different and watching others you're age with multiple kids just makes it worse.
We look forward to the day we can have a healthy baby. I will keep trying until age 40, then I am done.
I hope one day to become a mother a 2nd time to a healthy girl or boy. Fingers crossed...just one baby please.
I found myself feeling stronger after know the testing results. I know that my life will be forever changed.
I still struggle with knowing what has happened in my life. I am VERY fortunate to have a husband who loves me and has been there with me every step of the way. My parents, siblings, and friends have helped me too. I am very grateful for such amazing people in my life!
This journey will continue to be difficult: I still feel slighted as I see my friends get pregnant and have (relatively) no struggles.
I don't believe in that everything happens for a reason. I don't believe it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.
If you haven't experienced it, you shouldn't comment on it.
If you're looking for things to say to those struggling with infertility or baby loss. Feel free to click the images below. It is best that you become educated so you do not alienate those you love with the wrong thing to say.
Even if you can't see someone's disease, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Being infertile or losing a baby is devastating. A simple "I'm so sorry" is better than saying nothing at all. People avoid the awkwardness, but by doing that, they alienate themselves even more.
We carry this pain with us everyday. Little reminders or seeing others with kids pour salt on wounds that just won't heal. Holidays without children feel different and watching others you're age with multiple kids just makes it worse.
We look forward to the day we can have a healthy baby. I will keep trying until age 40, then I am done.
I hope one day to become a mother a 2nd time to a healthy girl or boy. Fingers crossed...just one baby please.
Positive Hip Update
In the positive...It has been 4 months plus since my bilateral hip replacements.
My hips have been healing very well. I'm able to lift my legs up and hold them there. I can put on shoes, jog, and even cross my legs!
I don't have any restrictions and can live a healthy, pain free life in my joints! Finally!
I hope my muscles continue to strengthen and get better. I'm definitely working out hard and lifting everyday.
My husband and I look forward to playing basketball together at the park.
Sports were a huge part of my life in high school and college. We both enjoy being active and I know my new hips will help me become an athlete once again.
My hips have been healing very well. I'm able to lift my legs up and hold them there. I can put on shoes, jog, and even cross my legs!
I don't have any restrictions and can live a healthy, pain free life in my joints! Finally!
I hope my muscles continue to strengthen and get better. I'm definitely working out hard and lifting everyday.
My husband and I look forward to playing basketball together at the park.
Sports were a huge part of my life in high school and college. We both enjoy being active and I know my new hips will help me become an athlete once again.
How to spend your infertile holidays
It's no doubt that if you're infertile, you cringe at the thought of holidays. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are packed into 3 months of anxiety. At least the other holidays are kinda spread out a little more.
We cringe at thinking of being around family members and their comments: "When are you guys gonna have kids?" or "How long have you been married? You know so-and-so are pregnant again!"
We cringe at being around kids too. The happiness they get trick-or-treating or opening gifts. Making cookies or setting the table for dinners. The cute outfits they wear for holiday gatherings.
And perhaps the worst, we cry over the thought that this may never be part of our lives: picking out costumes, going trick-or-treating, teaching our kids, buying presents, doing Elf on the Shelf, or any of the thousands of other things people do with their kids.
It's simply miserable at times...not every moment...but for sure some.
I recommend doing what I do: immerse yourself into something. I've found that I wasn't very domestic before all of this. I didn't give that much care into cooking, baking, or decorating.
Now, I've become really interested. It keeps my mind busy and it helps my organizational side become fulfilled. I like finding new recipes and ways to decorate. It's a little obsession, but I figure it's better than being obsessed with the Fertility Friend app or forums.
Don't get me wrong: I love spending time with my husband, family, and dog. My husband's birthday is around Christmas.
It's just that it gets hard sometimes. Here's a good site I found on Pinterest:
We cringe at thinking of being around family members and their comments: "When are you guys gonna have kids?" or "How long have you been married? You know so-and-so are pregnant again!"
We cringe at being around kids too. The happiness they get trick-or-treating or opening gifts. Making cookies or setting the table for dinners. The cute outfits they wear for holiday gatherings.
And perhaps the worst, we cry over the thought that this may never be part of our lives: picking out costumes, going trick-or-treating, teaching our kids, buying presents, doing Elf on the Shelf, or any of the thousands of other things people do with their kids.
It's simply miserable at times...not every moment...but for sure some.
I recommend doing what I do: immerse yourself into something. I've found that I wasn't very domestic before all of this. I didn't give that much care into cooking, baking, or decorating.
Now, I've become really interested. It keeps my mind busy and it helps my organizational side become fulfilled. I like finding new recipes and ways to decorate. It's a little obsession, but I figure it's better than being obsessed with the Fertility Friend app or forums.
Don't get me wrong: I love spending time with my husband, family, and dog. My husband's birthday is around Christmas.
It's just that it gets hard sometimes. Here's a good site I found on Pinterest:
So, if you know a couple that doesn't have any kids, DON'T ask them or anyone else why.
They simply may not want any...
Or they are trying to conceive...
Or they can't...
Or they lost one or more babies.
And honestly, you're really asking about their sex life. So they should be able to ask you about yours!!
They simply may not want any...
Or they are trying to conceive...
Or they can't...
Or they lost one or more babies.
And honestly, you're really asking about their sex life. So they should be able to ask you about yours!!
Homemade Baby Memorial Ornament
I thought about buying Christmas ornament to memorialize our baby girl, but I didn't find any that I really liked. I got the idea to make my own using items from Michael's craft store. Pardon the nails sans polish....I always wear polish, but didn't have that good 45 min-1 hour to let them dry!