Ultrasounds
Not my ultrasound, but just an example of an egg sac in
one at 5-6 weeks.
When I got my ultrasound again at 6 weeks and 3 days, everything was fine. Normally, my OB-GYN wouldn't do another ultrasound, but since I was had just had a major surgery, she wanted too. I had several ultrasound photos from 6 weeks. They were of the little yolk sac. So cute!
I left the office with a bag of pamphlets and all sorts of books to read through.
I came home and starting reading up all about pregnancy. I found myself very conflicted.
I had my identity with infertiles. And now that I was finally pregnant, I was confused how to identify myself. I still felt infertile.
I even thought that I no longer deserved to be bitter: both of my main medical problems were 'fixed'. I had good hips and was going to have a baby.
The range of emotions when you are infertile is terrible. You go from begin hopeful to angry. You've waited each month to get those 2 lines.
You wonder why other people can get pregnant easier and seemingly faster. Why don't other people have issues? How can teenagers get pregnant so easily?
However, you start to compare your infertility with worst case scenarios. Like, at least he doesn't have azoospermia (zero sperm). Or at least, I don't have PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). Like you beat yourself up over feeling sad when others might have it way worse.
Now that I was pregnant...I was on the OTHER side. The side I wished to be on every month. It was overwhelming. I had the sore breasts, nausea, and cravings. It was strange. I wanted cheese or chocolate. My breasts ached and grew. My stomach felt queasy a lot of the time.
I was worried about my healing and the development of the baby though.
Surprisingly, both my OB-GYN and hip specialist said that this was not a concern. I was to continue taking my meds and quit my aspirin early. (I was on daily aspirin to help avoid getting a blood clot)
I began my outpatient therapy and told my physical therapist about my pregnancy. He was really happy for me and knew that I could balance both because I was a hard worker. I started walking on the treadmill at 1.0 mph. For those of you who run, you KNOW that is slow. I couldn't manage much faster. I was also limping the entire time. I had to get my hip balance back.
We didn't tell anyone beside my parents and siblings. From previous experiences on Facebook, I vowed to not put anything on there until maybe the baby was born. My parents and siblings were so happy and excited!
We went to a garage sale and got some bibs, shoes, baby carrier, and high chair. We couldn't buy any clothing yet for we didn't know if what the baby's gender would be. My husband and I were very excited.
I did take an idea from Pinterest and started doing those photos are different stages. I had printed out paper for each size the baby was. I did photos at 5 weeks when the baby was the size of sesame seed. Then I did ones for my symptoms. I also did pics for when the baby was 8 weeks.
I enjoyed looking at my pregnancy app each day & week to see the growth and development of this little baby growing inside of me. It was such a surreal experience.
Everything I ever wanted was coming true....it was only time for the shit to hit the fan.
I left the office with a bag of pamphlets and all sorts of books to read through.
I came home and starting reading up all about pregnancy. I found myself very conflicted.
I had my identity with infertiles. And now that I was finally pregnant, I was confused how to identify myself. I still felt infertile.
I even thought that I no longer deserved to be bitter: both of my main medical problems were 'fixed'. I had good hips and was going to have a baby.
The range of emotions when you are infertile is terrible. You go from begin hopeful to angry. You've waited each month to get those 2 lines.
You wonder why other people can get pregnant easier and seemingly faster. Why don't other people have issues? How can teenagers get pregnant so easily?
However, you start to compare your infertility with worst case scenarios. Like, at least he doesn't have azoospermia (zero sperm). Or at least, I don't have PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). Like you beat yourself up over feeling sad when others might have it way worse.
Now that I was pregnant...I was on the OTHER side. The side I wished to be on every month. It was overwhelming. I had the sore breasts, nausea, and cravings. It was strange. I wanted cheese or chocolate. My breasts ached and grew. My stomach felt queasy a lot of the time.
I was worried about my healing and the development of the baby though.
Surprisingly, both my OB-GYN and hip specialist said that this was not a concern. I was to continue taking my meds and quit my aspirin early. (I was on daily aspirin to help avoid getting a blood clot)
I began my outpatient therapy and told my physical therapist about my pregnancy. He was really happy for me and knew that I could balance both because I was a hard worker. I started walking on the treadmill at 1.0 mph. For those of you who run, you KNOW that is slow. I couldn't manage much faster. I was also limping the entire time. I had to get my hip balance back.
We didn't tell anyone beside my parents and siblings. From previous experiences on Facebook, I vowed to not put anything on there until maybe the baby was born. My parents and siblings were so happy and excited!
We went to a garage sale and got some bibs, shoes, baby carrier, and high chair. We couldn't buy any clothing yet for we didn't know if what the baby's gender would be. My husband and I were very excited.
I did take an idea from Pinterest and started doing those photos are different stages. I had printed out paper for each size the baby was. I did photos at 5 weeks when the baby was the size of sesame seed. Then I did ones for my symptoms. I also did pics for when the baby was 8 weeks.
I enjoyed looking at my pregnancy app each day & week to see the growth and development of this little baby growing inside of me. It was such a surreal experience.
Everything I ever wanted was coming true....it was only time for the shit to hit the fan.
The saddest day of my life
It was the day before school began and my husband and I were in the OB-GYN office for my 3rd ultrasound at 8 weeks and 2 days.
My husband and I joked in the waiting room as we played on our iPhones.
After the blood pressure check and all that pre-appointment stuff, we went into the ultrasound exam room.
Little did I know that the mood would change from happy to sad in about 2 minutes.
The OB-GYN came in and started the ultrasound as we talked. I explained how it was so neat to see the baby's heart beat at the last ultrasound.
It was very quiet in the room. Too quiet.
Then it started:
"I can't find the heart beat."
My heart sank.
"Now, it could be just me and not being able to find it. Let me try a few things."
Hyper ventilate. Hyper ventilate. Hyper ventilate.
"You're going to have to calm down."
Calm down? How?
"Okay, I'm not finding a heartbeat. We are going to call the hospital and you'll have to immediately get an ultrasound there for a 2nd opinion. This must've happened today."
Cry. Cry. Cry...hyper ventilate.
I literally ran out of the office as best I could with my sore hips.
I sat in the car and got hysterical...I swore like a sailor at the top of my lungs. My husband was stunned and was trying to support me. I was full of rage and probably would've been able to punch through a brick wall.
This was a nightmare. This couldn't be true. This really wasn't happening. All hope that I had had diminished Nothing was ever gonna work out with me and a baby. This is my life now.
When I went to the hospital, I had to register. The woman asked me how I was was. I looked at her with swollen, red eyes. Then she got the idea. I was hysterical still and she asked me how I felt?
Then I got to the waiting room for ultrasounds and I just sat there. Nothing mattered to me anymore. The news was playing on the TV and I couldn't have cared less. I wouldn't have cared if someone stole my purse or hit me with a bus. Nothing was more painful.
I waited 45 excruciating minutes to get the ultrasound. I actually saw the same ultrasound tech who did my 1st one. She asked how I was. At this time, I was still swollen and crying. She took one look at my face and knew it. I said "not good!".
I really learned that looking someone in the eye before asking the generic "How are you?" is important. This was the worst time of my life.
Once in the ultrasound room, I couldn't help but to cry. Here again, I had to do the same stuff and sit there. This time, the ultrasound tech had the screen turned towards him. My husband was looking as I was crying, but trying to lay still.
The tech kept asking me to calm down.
Calm down? How am I supposed to do that with what is going on?
I asked my husband if he saw a heart beat and he shook his head no. All I could do was swear now.
Jesus Christ. Motherfucker.
He did the ultrasound for 5 minutes before leaving the room to get the results. I just sat there. Then it hit me...more anger.
I got up to wipe the gel off my stomach with the paper towels I threw all the paper towels at the wall. I went into the bathroom for tissues and got them and swore and threw them against the wall.
I paced around the small exam room as my husband looked on.
There was a knock at the door and the tech said my doctor was on the phone. I went into an office and sat down to talk to her.
"There's options for things we can do next. This is considered a missed abortion. I can tell them to you now, or I can call you later tonight."
"Please call me tonight."
Then I went home, sad, limp, and depressed.
I immediately crawled into bed and thought if I just slept, I could forgot what had happened earlier. But I couldn't sleep. I called my Mom to break the news. I couldn't even say the words.
"The baby died."
"WHAT????"
"The baby died!!!!!!!! I have to get a procedure done! I'm sick of surgery! I'm sick of hospitals! I always get shit on! How does this happen to me? Can't I just be happy for once!!!!!!!!"
My husband came into the bedroom and just held me. I cried and yelled and swore. Then I just laid in silence.
I couldn't believe it still.
I couldn't sleep. It was impossible. I had school tomorrow and I couldn't have cared less. The house could've caught on fire and I don't think I wouldn't had the strength or energy to leave.
My parents came over to the house. By that time, I had briefly stopped crying. I had until I saw my parents. With their red and swollen eyes, I knew what they had been doing after I got off the phone. I started crying again.
We all sat on the couch and cried.
My OB-GYN called me around 9:00. She explained there were 2 options: have a natural miscarriage or D & C.
With the natural miscarriage, I would just let things go and at a random time, I would start bleeding. I couldn't be sure if all the fetus tisse was gone though.
The D & C (dilation and curettage) is a surgical procedure often performed after a first trimester miscarriage. Dilation means to open up the cervix; curettage means to remove the contents of the uterus. Curettage may be performed by scraping the uterine wall with a curette instrument or by a suction curettage (also called vacuum aspiration), using a vacuum-type instrument.
My husband and I joked in the waiting room as we played on our iPhones.
After the blood pressure check and all that pre-appointment stuff, we went into the ultrasound exam room.
Little did I know that the mood would change from happy to sad in about 2 minutes.
The OB-GYN came in and started the ultrasound as we talked. I explained how it was so neat to see the baby's heart beat at the last ultrasound.
It was very quiet in the room. Too quiet.
Then it started:
"I can't find the heart beat."
My heart sank.
"Now, it could be just me and not being able to find it. Let me try a few things."
Hyper ventilate. Hyper ventilate. Hyper ventilate.
"You're going to have to calm down."
Calm down? How?
"Okay, I'm not finding a heartbeat. We are going to call the hospital and you'll have to immediately get an ultrasound there for a 2nd opinion. This must've happened today."
Cry. Cry. Cry...hyper ventilate.
I literally ran out of the office as best I could with my sore hips.
I sat in the car and got hysterical...I swore like a sailor at the top of my lungs. My husband was stunned and was trying to support me. I was full of rage and probably would've been able to punch through a brick wall.
This was a nightmare. This couldn't be true. This really wasn't happening. All hope that I had had diminished Nothing was ever gonna work out with me and a baby. This is my life now.
When I went to the hospital, I had to register. The woman asked me how I was was. I looked at her with swollen, red eyes. Then she got the idea. I was hysterical still and she asked me how I felt?
Then I got to the waiting room for ultrasounds and I just sat there. Nothing mattered to me anymore. The news was playing on the TV and I couldn't have cared less. I wouldn't have cared if someone stole my purse or hit me with a bus. Nothing was more painful.
I waited 45 excruciating minutes to get the ultrasound. I actually saw the same ultrasound tech who did my 1st one. She asked how I was. At this time, I was still swollen and crying. She took one look at my face and knew it. I said "not good!".
I really learned that looking someone in the eye before asking the generic "How are you?" is important. This was the worst time of my life.
Once in the ultrasound room, I couldn't help but to cry. Here again, I had to do the same stuff and sit there. This time, the ultrasound tech had the screen turned towards him. My husband was looking as I was crying, but trying to lay still.
The tech kept asking me to calm down.
Calm down? How am I supposed to do that with what is going on?
I asked my husband if he saw a heart beat and he shook his head no. All I could do was swear now.
Jesus Christ. Motherfucker.
He did the ultrasound for 5 minutes before leaving the room to get the results. I just sat there. Then it hit me...more anger.
I got up to wipe the gel off my stomach with the paper towels I threw all the paper towels at the wall. I went into the bathroom for tissues and got them and swore and threw them against the wall.
I paced around the small exam room as my husband looked on.
There was a knock at the door and the tech said my doctor was on the phone. I went into an office and sat down to talk to her.
"There's options for things we can do next. This is considered a missed abortion. I can tell them to you now, or I can call you later tonight."
"Please call me tonight."
Then I went home, sad, limp, and depressed.
I immediately crawled into bed and thought if I just slept, I could forgot what had happened earlier. But I couldn't sleep. I called my Mom to break the news. I couldn't even say the words.
"The baby died."
"WHAT????"
"The baby died!!!!!!!! I have to get a procedure done! I'm sick of surgery! I'm sick of hospitals! I always get shit on! How does this happen to me? Can't I just be happy for once!!!!!!!!"
My husband came into the bedroom and just held me. I cried and yelled and swore. Then I just laid in silence.
I couldn't believe it still.
I couldn't sleep. It was impossible. I had school tomorrow and I couldn't have cared less. The house could've caught on fire and I don't think I wouldn't had the strength or energy to leave.
My parents came over to the house. By that time, I had briefly stopped crying. I had until I saw my parents. With their red and swollen eyes, I knew what they had been doing after I got off the phone. I started crying again.
We all sat on the couch and cried.
My OB-GYN called me around 9:00. She explained there were 2 options: have a natural miscarriage or D & C.
With the natural miscarriage, I would just let things go and at a random time, I would start bleeding. I couldn't be sure if all the fetus tisse was gone though.
The D & C (dilation and curettage) is a surgical procedure often performed after a first trimester miscarriage. Dilation means to open up the cervix; curettage means to remove the contents of the uterus. Curettage may be performed by scraping the uterine wall with a curette instrument or by a suction curettage (also called vacuum aspiration), using a vacuum-type instrument.
D & C
My OB-GYN said that she could do the D & C as early as tomorrow. I couldn't do it that soon for it was the first day of school tomorrow. Sad as it may be, I didn't have anything prepared.
She explained that some women need about 2-3 days of physical recovery, but the emotional recovery takes much longer. She said I could take off as much time as I needed for each woman is different.
I chose to have the procedure on Friday before Labor Day weekend. I would take off Friday and Tuesday at least.
I went to school and cried the entire way. I didn't listen to the radio and didn't want to eat.
At school, I ended up having a normal day. I was suprised as to how 'on' I could be in spite of last night.
The car ride home was bad. I cried the whole way home and laid in bed again. My husband held me all night.
I got up on Thursday and did the same thing. My mind went into auto-drive. My main goal was to get my sub plans done. I had typed up stuff so if I was gone for 6 weeks, it would be relatively easy to figure out where things were.
After school, I had to get bloodwork done for surgery. It was extremely difficult for me to go back to the hospital. I had attached my laparotomy and laparoscopy to it...my ER visit...and now this terrible ultrasound.
As I pre-registered, a lullaby came on over the loud speaker. The maternity ward plays them when a woman gives birth. I started to cry again. What terrible timing.
I cried during my bloodwork because the nurse read the reason for my surgery. She said she knew someone who suffered a miscarriage too.
I went home and got my mind ready for an early wake up for surgery at 6 a.m.
My mom and husband came with me and my dad arrived later on. I asked to be segregated from the rest of the same-day surgery patients for my situation I wanted to be alone.
I got my own waiting room complete with toilet and sink. I sat there pretty calm. My mother even remarked as to how calm I was.
After waiting for about 40 minutes and getting IVs, I was taken back to the surgery room.
I saw my doctor at the door and she hugged me. They gave me the 'med cocktail' I've gotten used to taking and away to sleepy land I went.
I woke up in the recovery room very thirsty. I also heard that lullaby again and told the nurses I didn't want to hear it. They told me to complain because they don't like when the maternity ward does that either.
I went to another recovery room and was greeted by the ultrasound tech that did my 1st sono. She hugged me and told me that I was so strong.
My parents and husband came into the room. They told me I was doing so well and how strong I seemed. I was happy to see them and felt better once seeing them.
I was allowed to change back into regular clothes and I went to the restroom with a nurse. I had to wear a pad for I was still bleeding.
And off I went home.
My mother and husband stayed on the couch with me as we watched TV. I felt calm. Much different than the previous 3 days.
The OB-GYN told my family that there had been 'a lot' of bleeding. I walked the dog with my husband and was very peaceful.
I no longer had any of the pregnancy symptoms of sore breasts or nausea. It was like as soon as the D & C was done, I lost all my pregnancy identity quickly.
She explained that some women need about 2-3 days of physical recovery, but the emotional recovery takes much longer. She said I could take off as much time as I needed for each woman is different.
I chose to have the procedure on Friday before Labor Day weekend. I would take off Friday and Tuesday at least.
I went to school and cried the entire way. I didn't listen to the radio and didn't want to eat.
At school, I ended up having a normal day. I was suprised as to how 'on' I could be in spite of last night.
The car ride home was bad. I cried the whole way home and laid in bed again. My husband held me all night.
I got up on Thursday and did the same thing. My mind went into auto-drive. My main goal was to get my sub plans done. I had typed up stuff so if I was gone for 6 weeks, it would be relatively easy to figure out where things were.
After school, I had to get bloodwork done for surgery. It was extremely difficult for me to go back to the hospital. I had attached my laparotomy and laparoscopy to it...my ER visit...and now this terrible ultrasound.
As I pre-registered, a lullaby came on over the loud speaker. The maternity ward plays them when a woman gives birth. I started to cry again. What terrible timing.
I cried during my bloodwork because the nurse read the reason for my surgery. She said she knew someone who suffered a miscarriage too.
I went home and got my mind ready for an early wake up for surgery at 6 a.m.
My mom and husband came with me and my dad arrived later on. I asked to be segregated from the rest of the same-day surgery patients for my situation I wanted to be alone.
I got my own waiting room complete with toilet and sink. I sat there pretty calm. My mother even remarked as to how calm I was.
After waiting for about 40 minutes and getting IVs, I was taken back to the surgery room.
I saw my doctor at the door and she hugged me. They gave me the 'med cocktail' I've gotten used to taking and away to sleepy land I went.
I woke up in the recovery room very thirsty. I also heard that lullaby again and told the nurses I didn't want to hear it. They told me to complain because they don't like when the maternity ward does that either.
I went to another recovery room and was greeted by the ultrasound tech that did my 1st sono. She hugged me and told me that I was so strong.
My parents and husband came into the room. They told me I was doing so well and how strong I seemed. I was happy to see them and felt better once seeing them.
I was allowed to change back into regular clothes and I went to the restroom with a nurse. I had to wear a pad for I was still bleeding.
And off I went home.
My mother and husband stayed on the couch with me as we watched TV. I felt calm. Much different than the previous 3 days.
The OB-GYN told my family that there had been 'a lot' of bleeding. I walked the dog with my husband and was very peaceful.
I no longer had any of the pregnancy symptoms of sore breasts or nausea. It was like as soon as the D & C was done, I lost all my pregnancy identity quickly.