Happy New Years!
January 2
I began to spot bright red blood again with cramping. It changes from bright red to darker red blood, then brown within the hour or 2, so that is good.
My RE had said if you fill a pad every hour or have very severe cramping than that is cause for alarm.
I guess it was 'good' to have the previous experience of a natural miscarriage: I can compare that horrific bleeding and cramping to anything I feel now.
I'm not even close to that, so that is good.
I just have to give up on dwelling on minor shit. I know that is easier said than done though.
If you have bleeding, which 20% of pregnant women do, I recommend wearing a liner. Remember that your bleeding doesn't always mean miscarriage: the cervix becomes engorged once pregnant and blood can come from there. That is not a exception...that is the rule.
Wearing a liner helps you track really how much is coming out of you. Sometimes when you wipe it seems like so much, but like me, there's nothing in the liner or just a speck.
Just one more thing to worry about.
My husband has been a very positive force in reminding me that all the other miscarriages were due to fatally abnormal chromosomes and this baby is normal.
I can breathe easier when he reminds me of that. I am very glad PGS testing exists! Even though it should be free!
Some things I've been asked, I thought I might address:
1. What are your symptoms?
I really don't have any...at least any that can't be explained by something else.
My boobs are sore and enlarged---but I have DD's to begin with and the Delestrogen or Progestrone in Oil shots cause that.
I feel bloated after eating---but it's the holidays when most foods are not healthy and the shots cause that too.
I feel nauseous every now and then---but it's probably because I didn't eat or ate shitty foods.
All my other pregnancies were the same except the very first one: I was more nauseous then, however, I just literally had bilateral hip replacements 3 days earlier and was on Vicodin and multiple other meds, so I can't compare.
So I guess I'm trying to say is that I don't fit the mold of what is normal.
2. Will you go back on Prozac or Ativan?
Even though Prozac is totally safe for pregnancy, I got off it. I truly do not have clinical depression: I have mood adjustment disorder. That means that something (infertility & recurrent pregnancy loss) is adjusting my mood and when that something is gone, my mood will change.
Ativan is a different med though that you cannot take while pregnant. My friend who had the stillborn said there is a natural Rx anxiety med but it will cost her $200 since insurance will not cover it.
That constant anxiety will never leave, but it will become minimized I imagine. My friend that had twins after 3 losses said she still attends a fertility group because now her anxiety is driven by the What If's.
Do I keep my meds in my purse? Hell yeah I do. The only way I could drive home from appointments after the babies were confirmed dead or gone was with 2 Ativan in my system to mellow me out.
I am still attending 2 talk therapy sessions a month and I find them ABSOLUTELY necessary. I really wish everyone in the world would go to them.
3. Will you post on Facebook? If so, when?
Well, this is going to be long, but I will not post on Facebook until I have a baby in my arms. Even then I am going to be worried if the baby lives, so I don't know if I will. My husband is TOTALLY against any pregnancy posts...he was even before we lost our first girl.
I do realize that if I make it to the end of May, I am in my best friend's wedding. There is most likely going to be tagged photos of me. I am okay with that because that is her day and if she wants to post photos, whatever.
However, I will not do a pregnancy announcement or ewwww, even worse, post my uterus for my family, friends, and acquaintances to see. In my opinion, it's tacky, but even more thinking, why do you need to provide proof there's a real baby in there? You think people will think you're lying if you don't?
Infertile or not, some things you don't need to broadcast. You might wonder why then do I put stuff online? For me blogging has been very helpful since 2009: it's like a diary, but I get feedback from you---my soldiers in the battle against infertility, baby loss, depression, anxiety, and hip surgeries. I have learned that there are so many other people working against obstacles. It's an outlet for me and not a call for 'likes' or sympathy.
On Facebook, I know I would have sympathy, but I am NOT looking for that. I am looking to spread awareness and you most likely understand how conflicted you can be about what to post or what not to post.
I'm just not that person. Besides I have several out of the closet and in the closet infertile friends and I do not see myself as "winning" by (hopefully) having a baby. To do that would be cocky and although my infertile friends wouldn't feel that way, I FEEL THAT WAY.
Just not my style.
And I know that this opinion might seem weird or dumb, but I am bothered when I see people who struggled post 9 million pics. It's like they NEVER remembered their struggle or if other people's photos/posts bothered them before they got their baby. Of course, I realize that they might of loved to see other people's baby pics etc, but from the majority (ok 95%) of infertiles I talk to...they don't like that shit.
I don't feel like your struggle is an automatic "I can post if I want". Case in point: when talking to a friend who is not TTC or married, she said to me that she was surprised to see a mutual friend post her baby kept her up and didn't sleep well through the night. She said "Didn't she lose 5 babies? And now she is complaining when she gets one?" I was surprised because I thought the same thing when I saw that post and that was coming from my bitter infertile inside of me. So if a "regular" person can see the idiocy while we can too, then what the hell?
It makes us jealous or reminds of us of what we can't do or just what might never happen. So when it does happen, why put that out there? Sure you deserved a baby because you struggled, but you don't deserve to put that shit online when you used to bitch about it.
Agree or disagree with me, that's just how I feel and I will NEVER forget my past. I had to learn how to walk 3 times in the last 5 years from hip surgeries. So....I don't bitch about "having to work out" or anything else because I VALUE that I can walk correctly now and I know others might not.
I VALUE babies, pregnancy, and struggles. I VALUE the cost emotionally, physically, financially of what it takes to get this far. I VALUE that I am lucky to get pregnant again. I VALUE that others cannot or will not.
I will never forget where I was and where I am now.
3. Are you following what weeks you are the and size of the baby?
Alas, I used to: I got the apps and I'd look every day. Then when the babies died, I'd feel like an asshole and delete the apps.
But then I would forget to close an account and I'd get a random email 3 months later saying "Your gender ultrasound is coming up!"
Ugggghhhh Yeah, so I don't do that shit anymore. Please don't take it as I'm being thoughtless: I'm guarded and if I keep up these defense, it will hopefully, help me when shit hits the fan.
I do look at how much I will be for appointments, but I count the old fashioned way from one date to the next. I do not have it pre-determined in my mind.
One day at a time and one week at a time.
4. What do you think you have?
Even though my nurse said they don't test gender, but my RE said they did, I forgot to ask when I went in on December 31st. I was so wound up with anxiety that the baby was going to be gone or dead, that that was the furthest thing from my mind.
Now when I go in on January 9th, I will ask if I can remember, but I am betting on more anxiety again. I am happy that my husband is off work and can drive the 4 hours to get there!
I did go online and look up that Ramzi's theory. From looking at my photo, I think it is a girl, but my husband said I read the thing wrong and it's a boy.
Whatever...beggars can't be choosers.
I did those Chinese gender prediction thing before and it was totally wrong after testing proved it was a girl the one loss.
UPDATE at the bottom :-)
5. Is this really your only child? Are you sure you won't want another one?
The funny thing is that I get this question from fertiles mainly. Those who have NOT struggled to conceive.
Yes, we will have one child. I hope it's this one.
Of course, I want another kid...what infertile wouldn't. Statistically, it just will not work out.
I know most of you understand I am not religious. I don't take offense if you are, so please don't take offense to me. I am just someone who firmly relies on science, math, and facts.
In having 8 out of 9 embryos in my six years of TTC be abnormal...that is proof things are not in my favor for a healthy, normal child. That shows me there are miscarriages and severe disabilities from my eggs. Early losses, late losses, losses right after birth or a child will a possible life of hell.
Not gonna risk it.
Do I get teary about it? Actually no. So much of infertility is wondering what the hell is wrong. Now I know. From PGS testing, I know for a fact that my eggs are abnormal when they are by themselves or when they combine with sperm.
I know that if I get pregnant naturally again, if I'm lucky of course, it will most likely go to shit. 89% likely. Like if someone told you that you had an 11% chance of willing the lottery, you wouldn't play.
We have struggled so long that to wonder if I can have more kids is dumb: I'm happy that I got one normal embryo now....let's not ponder the future.
The future to me right now, is tomorrow. And I am already hoping I don't bleed or cramp.
Besides each 4 pregnancies have been anxiety ridden...do I really think I could handle another one?
I began to spot bright red blood again with cramping. It changes from bright red to darker red blood, then brown within the hour or 2, so that is good.
My RE had said if you fill a pad every hour or have very severe cramping than that is cause for alarm.
I guess it was 'good' to have the previous experience of a natural miscarriage: I can compare that horrific bleeding and cramping to anything I feel now.
I'm not even close to that, so that is good.
I just have to give up on dwelling on minor shit. I know that is easier said than done though.
If you have bleeding, which 20% of pregnant women do, I recommend wearing a liner. Remember that your bleeding doesn't always mean miscarriage: the cervix becomes engorged once pregnant and blood can come from there. That is not a exception...that is the rule.
Wearing a liner helps you track really how much is coming out of you. Sometimes when you wipe it seems like so much, but like me, there's nothing in the liner or just a speck.
Just one more thing to worry about.
My husband has been a very positive force in reminding me that all the other miscarriages were due to fatally abnormal chromosomes and this baby is normal.
I can breathe easier when he reminds me of that. I am very glad PGS testing exists! Even though it should be free!
Some things I've been asked, I thought I might address:
1. What are your symptoms?
I really don't have any...at least any that can't be explained by something else.
My boobs are sore and enlarged---but I have DD's to begin with and the Delestrogen or Progestrone in Oil shots cause that.
I feel bloated after eating---but it's the holidays when most foods are not healthy and the shots cause that too.
I feel nauseous every now and then---but it's probably because I didn't eat or ate shitty foods.
All my other pregnancies were the same except the very first one: I was more nauseous then, however, I just literally had bilateral hip replacements 3 days earlier and was on Vicodin and multiple other meds, so I can't compare.
So I guess I'm trying to say is that I don't fit the mold of what is normal.
2. Will you go back on Prozac or Ativan?
Even though Prozac is totally safe for pregnancy, I got off it. I truly do not have clinical depression: I have mood adjustment disorder. That means that something (infertility & recurrent pregnancy loss) is adjusting my mood and when that something is gone, my mood will change.
Ativan is a different med though that you cannot take while pregnant. My friend who had the stillborn said there is a natural Rx anxiety med but it will cost her $200 since insurance will not cover it.
That constant anxiety will never leave, but it will become minimized I imagine. My friend that had twins after 3 losses said she still attends a fertility group because now her anxiety is driven by the What If's.
Do I keep my meds in my purse? Hell yeah I do. The only way I could drive home from appointments after the babies were confirmed dead or gone was with 2 Ativan in my system to mellow me out.
I am still attending 2 talk therapy sessions a month and I find them ABSOLUTELY necessary. I really wish everyone in the world would go to them.
3. Will you post on Facebook? If so, when?
Well, this is going to be long, but I will not post on Facebook until I have a baby in my arms. Even then I am going to be worried if the baby lives, so I don't know if I will. My husband is TOTALLY against any pregnancy posts...he was even before we lost our first girl.
I do realize that if I make it to the end of May, I am in my best friend's wedding. There is most likely going to be tagged photos of me. I am okay with that because that is her day and if she wants to post photos, whatever.
However, I will not do a pregnancy announcement or ewwww, even worse, post my uterus for my family, friends, and acquaintances to see. In my opinion, it's tacky, but even more thinking, why do you need to provide proof there's a real baby in there? You think people will think you're lying if you don't?
Infertile or not, some things you don't need to broadcast. You might wonder why then do I put stuff online? For me blogging has been very helpful since 2009: it's like a diary, but I get feedback from you---my soldiers in the battle against infertility, baby loss, depression, anxiety, and hip surgeries. I have learned that there are so many other people working against obstacles. It's an outlet for me and not a call for 'likes' or sympathy.
On Facebook, I know I would have sympathy, but I am NOT looking for that. I am looking to spread awareness and you most likely understand how conflicted you can be about what to post or what not to post.
I'm just not that person. Besides I have several out of the closet and in the closet infertile friends and I do not see myself as "winning" by (hopefully) having a baby. To do that would be cocky and although my infertile friends wouldn't feel that way, I FEEL THAT WAY.
Just not my style.
And I know that this opinion might seem weird or dumb, but I am bothered when I see people who struggled post 9 million pics. It's like they NEVER remembered their struggle or if other people's photos/posts bothered them before they got their baby. Of course, I realize that they might of loved to see other people's baby pics etc, but from the majority (ok 95%) of infertiles I talk to...they don't like that shit.
I don't feel like your struggle is an automatic "I can post if I want". Case in point: when talking to a friend who is not TTC or married, she said to me that she was surprised to see a mutual friend post her baby kept her up and didn't sleep well through the night. She said "Didn't she lose 5 babies? And now she is complaining when she gets one?" I was surprised because I thought the same thing when I saw that post and that was coming from my bitter infertile inside of me. So if a "regular" person can see the idiocy while we can too, then what the hell?
It makes us jealous or reminds of us of what we can't do or just what might never happen. So when it does happen, why put that out there? Sure you deserved a baby because you struggled, but you don't deserve to put that shit online when you used to bitch about it.
Agree or disagree with me, that's just how I feel and I will NEVER forget my past. I had to learn how to walk 3 times in the last 5 years from hip surgeries. So....I don't bitch about "having to work out" or anything else because I VALUE that I can walk correctly now and I know others might not.
I VALUE babies, pregnancy, and struggles. I VALUE the cost emotionally, physically, financially of what it takes to get this far. I VALUE that I am lucky to get pregnant again. I VALUE that others cannot or will not.
I will never forget where I was and where I am now.
3. Are you following what weeks you are the and size of the baby?
Alas, I used to: I got the apps and I'd look every day. Then when the babies died, I'd feel like an asshole and delete the apps.
But then I would forget to close an account and I'd get a random email 3 months later saying "Your gender ultrasound is coming up!"
Ugggghhhh Yeah, so I don't do that shit anymore. Please don't take it as I'm being thoughtless: I'm guarded and if I keep up these defense, it will hopefully, help me when shit hits the fan.
I do look at how much I will be for appointments, but I count the old fashioned way from one date to the next. I do not have it pre-determined in my mind.
One day at a time and one week at a time.
4. What do you think you have?
Even though my nurse said they don't test gender, but my RE said they did, I forgot to ask when I went in on December 31st. I was so wound up with anxiety that the baby was going to be gone or dead, that that was the furthest thing from my mind.
Now when I go in on January 9th, I will ask if I can remember, but I am betting on more anxiety again. I am happy that my husband is off work and can drive the 4 hours to get there!
I did go online and look up that Ramzi's theory. From looking at my photo, I think it is a girl, but my husband said I read the thing wrong and it's a boy.
Whatever...beggars can't be choosers.
I did those Chinese gender prediction thing before and it was totally wrong after testing proved it was a girl the one loss.
UPDATE at the bottom :-)
5. Is this really your only child? Are you sure you won't want another one?
The funny thing is that I get this question from fertiles mainly. Those who have NOT struggled to conceive.
Yes, we will have one child. I hope it's this one.
Of course, I want another kid...what infertile wouldn't. Statistically, it just will not work out.
I know most of you understand I am not religious. I don't take offense if you are, so please don't take offense to me. I am just someone who firmly relies on science, math, and facts.
In having 8 out of 9 embryos in my six years of TTC be abnormal...that is proof things are not in my favor for a healthy, normal child. That shows me there are miscarriages and severe disabilities from my eggs. Early losses, late losses, losses right after birth or a child will a possible life of hell.
Not gonna risk it.
Do I get teary about it? Actually no. So much of infertility is wondering what the hell is wrong. Now I know. From PGS testing, I know for a fact that my eggs are abnormal when they are by themselves or when they combine with sperm.
I know that if I get pregnant naturally again, if I'm lucky of course, it will most likely go to shit. 89% likely. Like if someone told you that you had an 11% chance of willing the lottery, you wouldn't play.
We have struggled so long that to wonder if I can have more kids is dumb: I'm happy that I got one normal embryo now....let's not ponder the future.
The future to me right now, is tomorrow. And I am already hoping I don't bleed or cramp.
Besides each 4 pregnancies have been anxiety ridden...do I really think I could handle another one?
OB
January 6
I called my OB-GYN's office to tell them that I was pregnant and they saw a heartbeat. If you hadn't read this blog before, I've had anxiety with them because they want to MAKE sure that the pregnancy is 'viable' before my OB sees me.
Yes, I understand their point of view, but the word 'viable' just strikes a chord with me that makes me sick. Maybe because all my other losses never made it to where they were viable? Or if I did see the heartbeat, it was gone at the next appointment.
Anyways, the secretary told me that my OB would only want me after I've gotten released from Shady Grove. Ok that makes sense....whatever.
I feel WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY more comfortable in a fertility clinic than an OB office.
January 7
The secretary called me back today saying that my OB said congratulations, she wants to see me on January 20th, and they ordered me bloodwork for HCG, infectious diseases, and an urine analysis..this is all part of the pregnancy testing she usually does.
I was happy to finally feel like I'm "on the list" to get into my OB.
I called my OB-GYN's office to tell them that I was pregnant and they saw a heartbeat. If you hadn't read this blog before, I've had anxiety with them because they want to MAKE sure that the pregnancy is 'viable' before my OB sees me.
Yes, I understand their point of view, but the word 'viable' just strikes a chord with me that makes me sick. Maybe because all my other losses never made it to where they were viable? Or if I did see the heartbeat, it was gone at the next appointment.
Anyways, the secretary told me that my OB would only want me after I've gotten released from Shady Grove. Ok that makes sense....whatever.
I feel WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY more comfortable in a fertility clinic than an OB office.
January 7
The secretary called me back today saying that my OB said congratulations, she wants to see me on January 20th, and they ordered me bloodwork for HCG, infectious diseases, and an urine analysis..this is all part of the pregnancy testing she usually does.
I was happy to finally feel like I'm "on the list" to get into my OB.
7 weeks ultrasound
January 8
Our drive to Frederick for Friday the 9th was far different that usual for the snow and sub zero temps made us change our typical leave time of like 3 or 4 am. We went to my mother-in-laws on Thursday, for school got cancelled and she lives about 2.5 hours from Frederick. We hadn't seen her in awhile and it would be a nice shorter car ride in the morning.
Around 10:30 pm, my husband saw the weather had changed from no snow to 3-4 inches in the morning. We literally left his mom's house and drove to his sister's house in Ashburn, VA. She lives 45 minutes from the Frederick office.
January 9
We got to her house at 2:30 a.m! I was totally exhausted and literally fell into bed until 7:30 when I thought it might be good to shower. I was able to eat breakfast in a house (not typical if he drive 4 hours straight lol).
My appointment was at 9:00 a.m. and of course, when I got there, my anxiety started to climb. Something about being in certain places that just trigger nervousness.
Once in the ultrasound room, I could not look at the little screen again. I just couldn't...I had my eyes closed looking at the ceiling.
My RE was in the room and the tech put the wand in and he said "Looks good!"...it was like a huge weight just disappeared from my chest.
I was able to see the heartbeat flickering on the screen and that little baby looked a hell of a lot bigger than last time. This was the first time that I got to see the heartbeat in 2 different ultrasounds.
Our drive to Frederick for Friday the 9th was far different that usual for the snow and sub zero temps made us change our typical leave time of like 3 or 4 am. We went to my mother-in-laws on Thursday, for school got cancelled and she lives about 2.5 hours from Frederick. We hadn't seen her in awhile and it would be a nice shorter car ride in the morning.
Around 10:30 pm, my husband saw the weather had changed from no snow to 3-4 inches in the morning. We literally left his mom's house and drove to his sister's house in Ashburn, VA. She lives 45 minutes from the Frederick office.
January 9
We got to her house at 2:30 a.m! I was totally exhausted and literally fell into bed until 7:30 when I thought it might be good to shower. I was able to eat breakfast in a house (not typical if he drive 4 hours straight lol).
My appointment was at 9:00 a.m. and of course, when I got there, my anxiety started to climb. Something about being in certain places that just trigger nervousness.
Once in the ultrasound room, I could not look at the little screen again. I just couldn't...I had my eyes closed looking at the ceiling.
My RE was in the room and the tech put the wand in and he said "Looks good!"...it was like a huge weight just disappeared from my chest.
I was able to see the heartbeat flickering on the screen and that little baby looked a hell of a lot bigger than last time. This was the first time that I got to see the heartbeat in 2 different ultrasounds.
The heartbeat was 146 bpm which he told me was normal. I am so glad I didn't go onto Google and look up what is normal. I highly recommend becoming Google-free.
I asked him about where the placenta was on the screen and he pointed to the right side of the baby saying it looked as though it was starting to form there. That's for the Ramzi's method.
He said that I have a distinct advantage in the OB world whereas I know that my baby is normal and there shouldn't be any surprises. That is very calming to me.
He said that the PGS testing is further more in depth than any pregnancy testing. He mentioned there was a test where they could take my blood because there is fetal blood in my bloodstream now too. They can test that to see if there are any problems.
I told him I didn't even know about that and it didn't sound like something I would need to do. Of course, I could do an amino, but I am not going to.
Have I reiterated the benefits of a PGS tested embryo enough? LOL
I asked him about the gender and he said that IVIGEN has that information and he would have my nurse start the process for opening up the records. He wasn't sure how that process was done, but my nurse would do it.
Anyways, he said he could see me at 8 weeks on January 16th, but I didn't have too. I told him my OB wanted to see me on the 20th and he said that I could be released from Shady Grove today.
He mentioned that if I need anything, I could come back. I was to continue the PIO and Delestrogen IM shots until January 30th. They were going to give me all my records and discharge notes.
When I got home, my nurse called to say she talked with IVIGEN and was able to begin the process of opening up the report to see X/Y gender chromosomes. She said it could be something they might wanted paid for, but I don't see that as possible since I paid them $2,525 to do the testing, so it's in there. My bff Vicki's clinic uses IVIGEN too and they give you the gender, so it is done.
Oh well...I'm not going to pay extra for it if that's what they want. Beggars can't be choosers and I'll talke whatever I can get!
I asked him about where the placenta was on the screen and he pointed to the right side of the baby saying it looked as though it was starting to form there. That's for the Ramzi's method.
He said that I have a distinct advantage in the OB world whereas I know that my baby is normal and there shouldn't be any surprises. That is very calming to me.
He said that the PGS testing is further more in depth than any pregnancy testing. He mentioned there was a test where they could take my blood because there is fetal blood in my bloodstream now too. They can test that to see if there are any problems.
I told him I didn't even know about that and it didn't sound like something I would need to do. Of course, I could do an amino, but I am not going to.
Have I reiterated the benefits of a PGS tested embryo enough? LOL
I asked him about the gender and he said that IVIGEN has that information and he would have my nurse start the process for opening up the records. He wasn't sure how that process was done, but my nurse would do it.
Anyways, he said he could see me at 8 weeks on January 16th, but I didn't have too. I told him my OB wanted to see me on the 20th and he said that I could be released from Shady Grove today.
He mentioned that if I need anything, I could come back. I was to continue the PIO and Delestrogen IM shots until January 30th. They were going to give me all my records and discharge notes.
When I got home, my nurse called to say she talked with IVIGEN and was able to begin the process of opening up the report to see X/Y gender chromosomes. She said it could be something they might wanted paid for, but I don't see that as possible since I paid them $2,525 to do the testing, so it's in there. My bff Vicki's clinic uses IVIGEN too and they give you the gender, so it is done.
Oh well...I'm not going to pay extra for it if that's what they want. Beggars can't be choosers and I'll talke whatever I can get!
8 weeks
I love this picture: while you want to move forward, you cannot forget where you were.
My appointment at the OB's is on Tuesday, January 20th.
In the mean time from my last appointment at Shady Grove, I did get a call from Dr. Bromer about the gender! We didn't have to pay extra or anything since we did PGS testing, they of course test the X and Y chromosomes.
We found out it's a boy! Yayyyyyyyy!!!!!
I am very excited! Obviously I would've taken either gender! My husband and I are big sports fanatics, so we hoped that our child would be interested in them too!
I have to cool it on buying things already because I (like most of you) are eager to get things since we have waited soooooo sooooo long.
But, I still find myself very conflicted about being happy: on one side, I am so ready and on the other side, I realize that this could be too good to be true.
Could I truly get what I wanted for these last hellish 6 years? When talking to a friend who had twins after 3 losses in one year, she said she is still struggling for she just expects something to go wrong since that has been a pattern.
Well, after 6 years, I am in that mindset that things could just fall apart. Yes, I know that the normal embryo is different than the abnormal embryos I previously had, but since infertility and baby loss are such mind fucks, I go back and forth.
Will I feel any better as the pregnancy develops? I dunno.
My other pregnancies ended as follows:
1st one: 8 weeks, 2 days---saw heartbeat first time at 6.5 weeks, then next time it was gone: Turner's syndrome
2nd one: 7 weeks, 2 days---never saw heartbeat for it didn't develop: Trisomy 16
3rd one: 6 weeks, 1 day---cramping, bleeding, and big clots: high likely chromosonally abnormal
My appointment at the OB's is on Tuesday, January 20th.
In the mean time from my last appointment at Shady Grove, I did get a call from Dr. Bromer about the gender! We didn't have to pay extra or anything since we did PGS testing, they of course test the X and Y chromosomes.
We found out it's a boy! Yayyyyyyyy!!!!!
I am very excited! Obviously I would've taken either gender! My husband and I are big sports fanatics, so we hoped that our child would be interested in them too!
I have to cool it on buying things already because I (like most of you) are eager to get things since we have waited soooooo sooooo long.
But, I still find myself very conflicted about being happy: on one side, I am so ready and on the other side, I realize that this could be too good to be true.
Could I truly get what I wanted for these last hellish 6 years? When talking to a friend who had twins after 3 losses in one year, she said she is still struggling for she just expects something to go wrong since that has been a pattern.
Well, after 6 years, I am in that mindset that things could just fall apart. Yes, I know that the normal embryo is different than the abnormal embryos I previously had, but since infertility and baby loss are such mind fucks, I go back and forth.
Will I feel any better as the pregnancy develops? I dunno.
My other pregnancies ended as follows:
1st one: 8 weeks, 2 days---saw heartbeat first time at 6.5 weeks, then next time it was gone: Turner's syndrome
2nd one: 7 weeks, 2 days---never saw heartbeat for it didn't develop: Trisomy 16
3rd one: 6 weeks, 1 day---cramping, bleeding, and big clots: high likely chromosonally abnormal
1st OB appointment---8 weeks, 4 days
Like you could imagine, I was nervous for this appointment. Well any pregnancy appointment has made me uneasy. With our OB office being literally 30 seconds from the house, at least we didn't need to travel 4 hours out of state.
I go into my OB as an infertile...that identity has permanently become me and I cannot switch and don't feel I could fake it either. I go into these offices guarded for I see others who (seemingly) got pregnant for free, quickly, and without trying any methods. Of course, I realize that might not be the case.
Each time I come, I am to pee in a cup for they want to check the urine for high glucose levels indicative of diabetes and proteins for placenta previa.
I was negative on both which was good.
I got my weight and blood pressure checked. The nurse tech said "Have you noticed a fluctuation in your weight?" Ummm yeah, I was here in November and have been on a ton more meds, so yeah I've gotten heavier.
My blood pressure was high, but all things considering, that makes sense.
I went into the exam room to get a culture done first before the ultrasound, but boy oh boy, that ultrasound machine was in that room.
That's my trigger.
My OB came in and did the culture and congratulated me. She went out and got my husband for the transvaginal ultrasound.
I didn't realize it, but I was holding my breath. Everytime that wand goes in, I just tense up and brace myself.
"You can breathe now Julie...I see the heartbeat."
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
She said it was 145 bpm which was normal. Then she let us hear the heartbeat too.
Tears came out as I heard the swooshing sounds...never heard that before ever. Wow
She said he was measuring a day ahead at 8 weeks 6 days.
She then went over all the things on the screen. I must tell you, I am not familiar with things in "this world".
I know the basic things of course, but I didn't know that my cervix was 4 cm or was it 4 inches? She said that was good and as I went along in my pregnancy, she would be checking to make sure it was still a good length.
She talked about the white (solid like bone) and black (fluid) sections of the ultrasound, where the placenta was forming, where the yolk sac still was, and his umbilical cord.
She pointed out his little arm and leg buds and she even said he twitched!
I missed it! My husband said he saw it though.
We had a long talk and she said that I could come as often as I wanted for an ultrasound. She said 2x a month or every week...it was up to me.
I chose 2x a month...I don't know what is for normal people.
She said she didn't consider me high risk, but if I wanted to go to a high risk OB as well, I could. She didn't recommend it, but said we could decide too.
I could stop my IM shots on January 30 like anticipated.
She also asked me if I find myself not fitting in...and it was strange to hear that from an OB for some reason and that could be since I don't have much experience with OBs during pregnancy. She said another patient was trying for 1 year and that girl felt out of place.
I explained that yes, of course I feel out of place. I am in weird area where I was so used to everything infertility related. It's like being in jail so long, you forget how to live in the outside world once you are released.
I'm glad my OB could understand the identity crisis that is occurring in me and other people struggling. I'm not just another name on the schedule.
I must be treated a little differently psychologically than the typical pregnant woman. I don't go into appointments assuming nothing.
What I felt was sensitivity and accommodation: I felt like whatever she or the office could do for me...they would. I know during all my yearly exams, they would ask how I was and in what stage of TTC we were. I would hear from the office secretary a sincere "We are rooting for you guys!" comments.
I don't know if I would receive that from a brand new office. I go back there February 3.
I go into my OB as an infertile...that identity has permanently become me and I cannot switch and don't feel I could fake it either. I go into these offices guarded for I see others who (seemingly) got pregnant for free, quickly, and without trying any methods. Of course, I realize that might not be the case.
Each time I come, I am to pee in a cup for they want to check the urine for high glucose levels indicative of diabetes and proteins for placenta previa.
I was negative on both which was good.
I got my weight and blood pressure checked. The nurse tech said "Have you noticed a fluctuation in your weight?" Ummm yeah, I was here in November and have been on a ton more meds, so yeah I've gotten heavier.
My blood pressure was high, but all things considering, that makes sense.
I went into the exam room to get a culture done first before the ultrasound, but boy oh boy, that ultrasound machine was in that room.
That's my trigger.
My OB came in and did the culture and congratulated me. She went out and got my husband for the transvaginal ultrasound.
I didn't realize it, but I was holding my breath. Everytime that wand goes in, I just tense up and brace myself.
"You can breathe now Julie...I see the heartbeat."
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
She said it was 145 bpm which was normal. Then she let us hear the heartbeat too.
Tears came out as I heard the swooshing sounds...never heard that before ever. Wow
She said he was measuring a day ahead at 8 weeks 6 days.
She then went over all the things on the screen. I must tell you, I am not familiar with things in "this world".
I know the basic things of course, but I didn't know that my cervix was 4 cm or was it 4 inches? She said that was good and as I went along in my pregnancy, she would be checking to make sure it was still a good length.
She talked about the white (solid like bone) and black (fluid) sections of the ultrasound, where the placenta was forming, where the yolk sac still was, and his umbilical cord.
She pointed out his little arm and leg buds and she even said he twitched!
I missed it! My husband said he saw it though.
We had a long talk and she said that I could come as often as I wanted for an ultrasound. She said 2x a month or every week...it was up to me.
I chose 2x a month...I don't know what is for normal people.
She said she didn't consider me high risk, but if I wanted to go to a high risk OB as well, I could. She didn't recommend it, but said we could decide too.
I could stop my IM shots on January 30 like anticipated.
She also asked me if I find myself not fitting in...and it was strange to hear that from an OB for some reason and that could be since I don't have much experience with OBs during pregnancy. She said another patient was trying for 1 year and that girl felt out of place.
I explained that yes, of course I feel out of place. I am in weird area where I was so used to everything infertility related. It's like being in jail so long, you forget how to live in the outside world once you are released.
I'm glad my OB could understand the identity crisis that is occurring in me and other people struggling. I'm not just another name on the schedule.
I must be treated a little differently psychologically than the typical pregnant woman. I don't go into appointments assuming nothing.
What I felt was sensitivity and accommodation: I felt like whatever she or the office could do for me...they would. I know during all my yearly exams, they would ask how I was and in what stage of TTC we were. I would hear from the office secretary a sincere "We are rooting for you guys!" comments.
I don't know if I would receive that from a brand new office. I go back there February 3.
Last day of shots!
January 30th was the last day I had get poked with that 1 1/2 inch needle. I had been on the Delestrogen every 3 days since November 21st and Progesterone in Oil every day since December 5.
On January 31st, I started getting a major headache. I ate breakfast, exercised, and then got a shower. It was a little longer shower since I had to shave my legs and I don't know if it was the heat, bending over, and changing hormones, but all of a sudden I puked in the shower. Luckily, it didn't happen any more that day, but for people that throw up often, ughhh, that would be tricky.
I'm happy I wasn't teaching because I had no warning and just literally puked!
On January 31st, I started getting a major headache. I ate breakfast, exercised, and then got a shower. It was a little longer shower since I had to shave my legs and I don't know if it was the heat, bending over, and changing hormones, but all of a sudden I puked in the shower. Luckily, it didn't happen any more that day, but for people that throw up often, ughhh, that would be tricky.
I'm happy I wasn't teaching because I had no warning and just literally puked!