December--you're finally here
I can't believe it's transfer month!----
I went to my OB-GYN's office yesterday to talk to her personally. Her nurse had told me that she said it was fine not to do the colpscopy, but I wanted to hear it from her mouth and make sure.
So, I sat in the waiting room but after 15 minutes, they called me up to the window and said that she was too busy and had to go to a meeting. They reiterated that she said I don't need to get one.
I got a call the next morning from her before I got to school. I do really like my OB-GYN a lot. She has always called me out of office. Last time she did that was when I got my D&C fetal tissue results and the time before, she called me at 9 pm cuz I needed time to sink in that I lost my first baby.
She said that the ASC-H could mean nothing or bad news. The new guidelines for paps is every 3 years. She does them every year, and every year, I've had a normal pap. She said that if she absoultely had to, she'd remove lesions if there were any there. She'd do that in my 2nd trimester. She wouldn't send the cells to be biopsed, but she was adamant that this is not necessary right now.
I know it may see like I'm putting my personal health on the line, but I am comfortable with myself and her professional opinion, that I know if she was iffy or I was iffy, I wouldn't go through without having the colpscopy. I am not that stupid that I would risk my ONLY normal embryo (perhaps EVER) to forgo a potentially bad scenario!
I went to my OB-GYN's office yesterday to talk to her personally. Her nurse had told me that she said it was fine not to do the colpscopy, but I wanted to hear it from her mouth and make sure.
So, I sat in the waiting room but after 15 minutes, they called me up to the window and said that she was too busy and had to go to a meeting. They reiterated that she said I don't need to get one.
I got a call the next morning from her before I got to school. I do really like my OB-GYN a lot. She has always called me out of office. Last time she did that was when I got my D&C fetal tissue results and the time before, she called me at 9 pm cuz I needed time to sink in that I lost my first baby.
She said that the ASC-H could mean nothing or bad news. The new guidelines for paps is every 3 years. She does them every year, and every year, I've had a normal pap. She said that if she absoultely had to, she'd remove lesions if there were any there. She'd do that in my 2nd trimester. She wouldn't send the cells to be biopsed, but she was adamant that this is not necessary right now.
I know it may see like I'm putting my personal health on the line, but I am comfortable with myself and her professional opinion, that I know if she was iffy or I was iffy, I wouldn't go through without having the colpscopy. I am not that stupid that I would risk my ONLY normal embryo (perhaps EVER) to forgo a potentially bad scenario!
Memorial Ornaments
Here's 2 new ornaments for 2014's losses. I got the bags of shredded paper at Dollar Tree. I got the bulbs, hooks, and stickers at Walmart. I did yellow on the 2nd one since I didn't know the gender of the 3rd baby.
Ask an Embryologist
My BFF Vicki sent me a link awhile ago to a blog by an experienced embryologist who writes posts and has a comment section for you to post your questions.
I didn't see my comment come up as confirmed, so I actually emailed her. And she emailed me right back the next day!
Here is my email:
Thanks for your blog. I have my own blog about my experiences but it's great to read yours with all of your knowledge and medical experience. I posted a comment but didn't see any confirmation that the comment was sent for your approval, so I wasn't sure if it even went through. I was wondering if you could provide me with some insight.
Here's some background:
Me: 32 Hubby: 35 TTC since 2009
Unexplained infertility with mild motility
July 2012 natural pregnancy: miscarriage at 8w due to Monosomy X
Pursue IVF: No PGS recommended due to previous fluke
Got 4 embryos from IVF #1
April 2014 IVF #1: transferred 1: miscarriage at 7w due to Trisomy 16
July 2014 FET #1: transferred 2: 1 took and a natural miscarriage at 6w
One frozen left over but allowed to do fresh cycle and throw in that one for PGS
November 2104 IVF #2: 4 fresh embryos & 1 frozen from April:
1 normal embryo, Monosomy 9, Monosomy 2q, Monosomy 10 & trisomy 18, Monosomy 4 (frozen from March cycle)
Why do I have such a high number of abnormal embryos for my age? And why so many monosomies? Do you think my eggs cannot replicate dna once fertilized? Or do they already have missing dna?
I guess I'm just looking for more answers and what my future entails. My RE said it could be 'statistical noise', but if we lose this normal embryo (which I do not think we happen, but of course I'm not stupid), he said maybe 1 more PGS fresh then look at donor eggs.
I'm debating on whether to even have a natural pregnancy again after I have 1 child. I would think that it would most likely miscarry or have severe disabilities if born.
Here's her response:
I am sorry you are having this trouble and I am sorry that I missed your question on the blog. It appears that monosomy-associated miscarriage is more common among IVF patients who are under 38 years of age, but why this happens is not clear. see the paper here: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3430785/ I don't know what the mechanism is to explain this monosomy rate or whether it would diminish in your case with age. I wish I could be more help. I wish you all the best and that your one normal embryo results in a healthy full-term pregnancy!
So I wonder what is going on with my eggs or when they get fertilized. I asked her about it in a second email. It's crazy to think that monosomies are more common younger than 38, but then trisomies are more common higher than 38.
My next question:
So it would be an egg issue or when the egg combines with the sperm?
Her response to that question:
It might be. I don't think the mechanism is understood at all. As you may imagine, we can't ethically do the type of experiments needed to answer many of these questions on human embryos... Good Luck with your next steps!!
I didn't see my comment come up as confirmed, so I actually emailed her. And she emailed me right back the next day!
Here is my email:
Thanks for your blog. I have my own blog about my experiences but it's great to read yours with all of your knowledge and medical experience. I posted a comment but didn't see any confirmation that the comment was sent for your approval, so I wasn't sure if it even went through. I was wondering if you could provide me with some insight.
Here's some background:
Me: 32 Hubby: 35 TTC since 2009
Unexplained infertility with mild motility
July 2012 natural pregnancy: miscarriage at 8w due to Monosomy X
Pursue IVF: No PGS recommended due to previous fluke
Got 4 embryos from IVF #1
April 2014 IVF #1: transferred 1: miscarriage at 7w due to Trisomy 16
July 2014 FET #1: transferred 2: 1 took and a natural miscarriage at 6w
One frozen left over but allowed to do fresh cycle and throw in that one for PGS
November 2104 IVF #2: 4 fresh embryos & 1 frozen from April:
1 normal embryo, Monosomy 9, Monosomy 2q, Monosomy 10 & trisomy 18, Monosomy 4 (frozen from March cycle)
Why do I have such a high number of abnormal embryos for my age? And why so many monosomies? Do you think my eggs cannot replicate dna once fertilized? Or do they already have missing dna?
I guess I'm just looking for more answers and what my future entails. My RE said it could be 'statistical noise', but if we lose this normal embryo (which I do not think we happen, but of course I'm not stupid), he said maybe 1 more PGS fresh then look at donor eggs.
I'm debating on whether to even have a natural pregnancy again after I have 1 child. I would think that it would most likely miscarry or have severe disabilities if born.
Here's her response:
I am sorry you are having this trouble and I am sorry that I missed your question on the blog. It appears that monosomy-associated miscarriage is more common among IVF patients who are under 38 years of age, but why this happens is not clear. see the paper here: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3430785/ I don't know what the mechanism is to explain this monosomy rate or whether it would diminish in your case with age. I wish I could be more help. I wish you all the best and that your one normal embryo results in a healthy full-term pregnancy!
So I wonder what is going on with my eggs or when they get fertilized. I asked her about it in a second email. It's crazy to think that monosomies are more common younger than 38, but then trisomies are more common higher than 38.
My next question:
So it would be an egg issue or when the egg combines with the sperm?
Her response to that question:
It might be. I don't think the mechanism is understood at all. As you may imagine, we can't ethically do the type of experiments needed to answer many of these questions on human embryos... Good Luck with your next steps!!
Getting ready for the transfer!
December 5
Lining check at Dr. Tippet's office
Bloodwork: Progesterone was low and Estrogen was high...which is what it should be. :-)
My lining was 9 mm.
I start Progesterone IM shots today.
December 8
Decided to not take Prozac anymore
December 9
Today was the due date for my 2nd daughter. I got pregnant from my first IVF fresh cycle with 1 embryo transfer in March. It's a sullen day thinking that today I would've possibly had a baby in my arms. I know that it's difficult to live with thinking about the past, but it's something you never forget. However, I must add that I still feel at peace with the decision to not continue trying to conceive at all after having one baby. I really hope I can get that one baby though....part of me is still very strongly pessimistic. There's just too many abnormalities that scare the shit out of me.
December 10
Transfer Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My transfer is at 2:15 pm. I have to be there at 1:45 with a full bladder. My husband will be driving us down there for the 4 hour drive.
Luckily, my nurse gave me these detailed water drinking rules! It's so hard to judge!
When I had my ovarian cysts, it was torture to drink water and then go to the hospital and wait there. I usually drank too much water. One time, I ended up not drinking enough and they made me drink more in the waiting room!
So, at 1:00, I empty my bladder. Between 1-1:15, I am to drink 16-20 oz of water. Then I cannot drink or pee after that.
We are to bring our picture IDs. No perfume due to embryo's sensitivity.
If this is your first time at an embryo transfer...don't be worried! It's very easy much like an IUI but with higher security lol.
I had my blood pressure taken first: it was a little high, but the nurse said that is due to the progesterone shots and anxiety about the upcoming transfer.
I waited for the RE to come in and they checked all my wristbands against their paperwork.
What was different this time since I did the PGS, they double checked everything with the lab report of having 4 abnormal embryos and 1 normal.
The RE showed me the report and went over it again, reminding me that the other 4 abnormal were still frozen and I was to sign if I still agree to having them discarded.
He showed me my name on the TV screen and the number of the embryo from my last cycle.
He then asked me to lay back for the speculum and began to clean out my va jay jay to remove any cervical mucus so it doesn't get pushed up there when the catheter was put in.
I didn't feel any of this.
I had another RE putting a external ultrasound on my belly and I was able to view the smaller ultrasound screen.
Next, my embryo came up on the screen. The RE remarked that it was a "beautiful embryo". LOL
They do assisted hatching when they thaw the frozen embryos. I believe this embryo was already hatching before frozen as well.
The RE explained that the assisted hatching was done in the same spot where the cells were taken out for PGS.
Lining check at Dr. Tippet's office
Bloodwork: Progesterone was low and Estrogen was high...which is what it should be. :-)
My lining was 9 mm.
I start Progesterone IM shots today.
December 8
Decided to not take Prozac anymore
December 9
Today was the due date for my 2nd daughter. I got pregnant from my first IVF fresh cycle with 1 embryo transfer in March. It's a sullen day thinking that today I would've possibly had a baby in my arms. I know that it's difficult to live with thinking about the past, but it's something you never forget. However, I must add that I still feel at peace with the decision to not continue trying to conceive at all after having one baby. I really hope I can get that one baby though....part of me is still very strongly pessimistic. There's just too many abnormalities that scare the shit out of me.
December 10
Transfer Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My transfer is at 2:15 pm. I have to be there at 1:45 with a full bladder. My husband will be driving us down there for the 4 hour drive.
Luckily, my nurse gave me these detailed water drinking rules! It's so hard to judge!
When I had my ovarian cysts, it was torture to drink water and then go to the hospital and wait there. I usually drank too much water. One time, I ended up not drinking enough and they made me drink more in the waiting room!
So, at 1:00, I empty my bladder. Between 1-1:15, I am to drink 16-20 oz of water. Then I cannot drink or pee after that.
We are to bring our picture IDs. No perfume due to embryo's sensitivity.
If this is your first time at an embryo transfer...don't be worried! It's very easy much like an IUI but with higher security lol.
I had my blood pressure taken first: it was a little high, but the nurse said that is due to the progesterone shots and anxiety about the upcoming transfer.
I waited for the RE to come in and they checked all my wristbands against their paperwork.
What was different this time since I did the PGS, they double checked everything with the lab report of having 4 abnormal embryos and 1 normal.
The RE showed me the report and went over it again, reminding me that the other 4 abnormal were still frozen and I was to sign if I still agree to having them discarded.
He showed me my name on the TV screen and the number of the embryo from my last cycle.
He then asked me to lay back for the speculum and began to clean out my va jay jay to remove any cervical mucus so it doesn't get pushed up there when the catheter was put in.
I didn't feel any of this.
I had another RE putting a external ultrasound on my belly and I was able to view the smaller ultrasound screen.
Next, my embryo came up on the screen. The RE remarked that it was a "beautiful embryo". LOL
They do assisted hatching when they thaw the frozen embryos. I believe this embryo was already hatching before frozen as well.
The RE explained that the assisted hatching was done in the same spot where the cells were taken out for PGS.
The 2 week wait...actually 13 day wait!
I am still doing Progesterone shots every day and Delestrogen shots every 3rd day. My husband is administering them to me. I will not test before my December 23rd beta blood test. I cannot see another negative line. I've only seen 1 positive pee test in 6 years and all the zillion other negative ones....it is too disheartening.
I am not to lift anything over 25 lbs for 4-5 days. No sex or orgasms in that time either. I am still to keep taking my prenatal and not drinking anything with caffeine in it.
December 11 1dpt
Progesterone IM shot
nothing new to report
December 12 2dpt
Delestrogen IM shot
Progesterone IM shot
nothing exciting lol
I ate a lot today...I think the hormones from the shots are doing that.
December 13 3dpt
Progesterone IM shot
Had 2 donuts and decaf tea for breakfast and didn't feel well after. I took 2 Tums and laid down. After 30 minutes, I felt normal. I think it is due to eating more yesterday lol.
December 14 4dpt
Progesterone IM shot
nothing exciting to report lol! Crazy dreams and bigger boobs...I'm blaming the meds!
December 15 5dpt
Progesterone IM shot
Delestrogen IM shot
nothing going on
Headache started late tonight after 9:00 p.m.
December 16 6dpt
Progesterone IM shot
Crazy dreams
Feel like shit today: pounding headache, sore throat, earache, and coughing. Ughhhh Knock on wood, I don't get sick often. But the kids have been sick at school a lot and I bet I got the cold bug from them. I slept for 3 hours when I got home.
December 17 7dpt
Progesterone IM shot
Crazy dreams still
Big hopes and wishes today to my friend getting her beta this day. She had a stillborn on December 11, 2014 from an umbilical cord accident. It was her first IVF cycle after 4+ years of struggling. She is now with Shady Grove's Shared Risk money back guarantee like me.
She got a positive beta for 1978!!!! I hope she has twins because she did transfer 2! She deserves it! She is very nervous and not optimistic...unfortunately for her, she has known how easily things can go horribly wrong for no reason.
I feel slightly better today, but still have a sore throat, cough and headache. I have been gargling salt water.
I did notice at work that I had some orangey discharge in my underwear. I didn't notice it when I wiped at first. When I got home from work, it was definitely bloodish looking. When I wiped when I got home, I could see brownish discharge. Sorry if that's TMI. I don't know what to think about this: I was more active today due to helping out at 6th grade volleyball practice. I don't believe that implantation bleeding would occur this late. I've never had implantation bleeding in my underwear: my first pregnancy, the ultrasound tech was able to tell which ovary had released the egg and she said there was implantation bleeding there too. I always thought it was discharge, but whatever.
Anyways, I'm not looking into that as anything positive. I feel like shit, so it could be that too.
Had an emotional day right after my shots: my husband has been doing them really well, but yesterday two times he drew up blood. I had to get poked a 3rd time and it was excruciating! I just had to yell and cry. I ended up on the couch crying and getting pessimistic that all of this is in vain..that all I'm going to get on Tuesday is a negative and I'm in pain and always will be.
December 18 8dpt
Progesterone IM shot
Delestrogen IM shot
Got a super hoarse voice today. My sore throat has gotten worse, but cough is the same. I called my nurse at Shady Grove & and she said that I should go to a doctor to make sure it wasn't an infection. She mentioned I could try to find plain Robitussin, but a lot of meds are now multi-symptom.
I went to a doctors only urgent care facility and the doctor said that I have drainage going down my throat that's irritating it. He started to write me a script, but I interrupted him and said that I "most likely could be pregnant". I almost cringed saying that because it was as though I couldn't truly believe it. All of this is such a mind fuck: the meds, the hormones, the could be or couldn't be. Anxiety, anxiety , anxiety.
The only things I can do are gargle salt water, drink tea with lemon or honey, and just deal with it. Oh well.
I made a decision today to not receive the phone call on Tuesday: I am going to have them call my husband. Then I told my husband he will just tell me at 4:30 pm when I get home.
I feel this is a good decision: on Tuesday, it will be a holiday party at school and with me looming over my phone and chomping at the bit, I think mentally, it will be better for me not to know while at school. If I am pregnant, I am debating whether I want him to tell me the beta number.
We spend so much time scrutinizing everything and that beta number should double every 48 hours. I get on my calculator and just go crazy when it's not exactly doubled. I just can't make my mind get fucked around anymore. If it's negative, I'd rather have a hissy fit at home.
December 19 9dpt
Progesterone IM shot---my lower back is pretty bruised. Hard to take a photo, but I will try to have my husband take one.
My voice got way worse today and I was barely able to talk. It was difficult to teach, so I had to whisper to certain kids to announce things loud for me lol. I think they liked giving commands to others.
Along with the cought, sore throat and the headache that came back, I was miserable. I went to CVS to see if they had any plain Robitussin or Children's liquid Tylenol. I had the pharmacist talk to me while I was in the aisle. He said that the plain Robitussin was considered Category C which wasn't a risk I wanted to take. He said that the liquid Tylenol will only help with aches and pains mainly, and wouldn't coat my throat enough to feel better.
So I left with no meds. I went to the grocery store to get more honey and chicken noodle soup, then took a 2 hour nap.
December 20 10dpt
Progesterone IM shot
Wow, I had a hell of time sleeping last night: I was waking up so often to cough, it sucked. I tried to stack pillows and sleep at an angle and that did seem to help. I was up at 6 am and couldn't fall back asleep easily until after some time on Pinterest.
My nose was stuffed up now too, which is a new symptom of this nasty sinusitis I've had since last Monday.
It was better to get up and move around. I drank tea with honey, gargled salt water, and ate some chicken noodle soup.
I do feel better now as of 5 pm. I've been moving around all day. I made Chex Mix, People Puppy Chow, took a bunch of boxes to the Salvation Army, and then made some cut out sugar cookies.
December 21 11dpt
Delestrogen IM shot
Progesterone IM shot
Well the night of feeling well yesterday and me thinking I was coming to the end of the this nasty cold, but I was wrong! I went to bed last night at 11:00, only to cough all night and wake up at 3 am. I couldn't fall back asleep: this cough has gotten worse and I can't sleep even with an elevated pillows stacked on top of each other. The sore throat is still there, partly, because I think I sleep with my mouth open! Ughhh
So no joke I was up from 3 am to 8 am wrapping presents, cleaning, etc. I went back to bed at 8 and slept until 11 am.
Spent the day coughing, coughing, and coughing. I am going to try to sleep upright on the couch and see if I can get more than a few consecutive hours at a time.
December 22 12dpt
Progesterone IM shot
Still sick: coughing, runny nose, headache, and sore throat.
Had those vibrations in my uterus/ovary area at 10:45 pm.
I am not to lift anything over 25 lbs for 4-5 days. No sex or orgasms in that time either. I am still to keep taking my prenatal and not drinking anything with caffeine in it.
December 11 1dpt
Progesterone IM shot
nothing new to report
December 12 2dpt
Delestrogen IM shot
Progesterone IM shot
nothing exciting lol
I ate a lot today...I think the hormones from the shots are doing that.
December 13 3dpt
Progesterone IM shot
Had 2 donuts and decaf tea for breakfast and didn't feel well after. I took 2 Tums and laid down. After 30 minutes, I felt normal. I think it is due to eating more yesterday lol.
December 14 4dpt
Progesterone IM shot
nothing exciting to report lol! Crazy dreams and bigger boobs...I'm blaming the meds!
December 15 5dpt
Progesterone IM shot
Delestrogen IM shot
nothing going on
Headache started late tonight after 9:00 p.m.
December 16 6dpt
Progesterone IM shot
Crazy dreams
Feel like shit today: pounding headache, sore throat, earache, and coughing. Ughhhh Knock on wood, I don't get sick often. But the kids have been sick at school a lot and I bet I got the cold bug from them. I slept for 3 hours when I got home.
December 17 7dpt
Progesterone IM shot
Crazy dreams still
Big hopes and wishes today to my friend getting her beta this day. She had a stillborn on December 11, 2014 from an umbilical cord accident. It was her first IVF cycle after 4+ years of struggling. She is now with Shady Grove's Shared Risk money back guarantee like me.
She got a positive beta for 1978!!!! I hope she has twins because she did transfer 2! She deserves it! She is very nervous and not optimistic...unfortunately for her, she has known how easily things can go horribly wrong for no reason.
I feel slightly better today, but still have a sore throat, cough and headache. I have been gargling salt water.
I did notice at work that I had some orangey discharge in my underwear. I didn't notice it when I wiped at first. When I got home from work, it was definitely bloodish looking. When I wiped when I got home, I could see brownish discharge. Sorry if that's TMI. I don't know what to think about this: I was more active today due to helping out at 6th grade volleyball practice. I don't believe that implantation bleeding would occur this late. I've never had implantation bleeding in my underwear: my first pregnancy, the ultrasound tech was able to tell which ovary had released the egg and she said there was implantation bleeding there too. I always thought it was discharge, but whatever.
Anyways, I'm not looking into that as anything positive. I feel like shit, so it could be that too.
Had an emotional day right after my shots: my husband has been doing them really well, but yesterday two times he drew up blood. I had to get poked a 3rd time and it was excruciating! I just had to yell and cry. I ended up on the couch crying and getting pessimistic that all of this is in vain..that all I'm going to get on Tuesday is a negative and I'm in pain and always will be.
December 18 8dpt
Progesterone IM shot
Delestrogen IM shot
Got a super hoarse voice today. My sore throat has gotten worse, but cough is the same. I called my nurse at Shady Grove & and she said that I should go to a doctor to make sure it wasn't an infection. She mentioned I could try to find plain Robitussin, but a lot of meds are now multi-symptom.
I went to a doctors only urgent care facility and the doctor said that I have drainage going down my throat that's irritating it. He started to write me a script, but I interrupted him and said that I "most likely could be pregnant". I almost cringed saying that because it was as though I couldn't truly believe it. All of this is such a mind fuck: the meds, the hormones, the could be or couldn't be. Anxiety, anxiety , anxiety.
The only things I can do are gargle salt water, drink tea with lemon or honey, and just deal with it. Oh well.
I made a decision today to not receive the phone call on Tuesday: I am going to have them call my husband. Then I told my husband he will just tell me at 4:30 pm when I get home.
I feel this is a good decision: on Tuesday, it will be a holiday party at school and with me looming over my phone and chomping at the bit, I think mentally, it will be better for me not to know while at school. If I am pregnant, I am debating whether I want him to tell me the beta number.
We spend so much time scrutinizing everything and that beta number should double every 48 hours. I get on my calculator and just go crazy when it's not exactly doubled. I just can't make my mind get fucked around anymore. If it's negative, I'd rather have a hissy fit at home.
December 19 9dpt
Progesterone IM shot---my lower back is pretty bruised. Hard to take a photo, but I will try to have my husband take one.
My voice got way worse today and I was barely able to talk. It was difficult to teach, so I had to whisper to certain kids to announce things loud for me lol. I think they liked giving commands to others.
Along with the cought, sore throat and the headache that came back, I was miserable. I went to CVS to see if they had any plain Robitussin or Children's liquid Tylenol. I had the pharmacist talk to me while I was in the aisle. He said that the plain Robitussin was considered Category C which wasn't a risk I wanted to take. He said that the liquid Tylenol will only help with aches and pains mainly, and wouldn't coat my throat enough to feel better.
So I left with no meds. I went to the grocery store to get more honey and chicken noodle soup, then took a 2 hour nap.
December 20 10dpt
Progesterone IM shot
Wow, I had a hell of time sleeping last night: I was waking up so often to cough, it sucked. I tried to stack pillows and sleep at an angle and that did seem to help. I was up at 6 am and couldn't fall back asleep easily until after some time on Pinterest.
My nose was stuffed up now too, which is a new symptom of this nasty sinusitis I've had since last Monday.
It was better to get up and move around. I drank tea with honey, gargled salt water, and ate some chicken noodle soup.
I do feel better now as of 5 pm. I've been moving around all day. I made Chex Mix, People Puppy Chow, took a bunch of boxes to the Salvation Army, and then made some cut out sugar cookies.
December 21 11dpt
Delestrogen IM shot
Progesterone IM shot
Well the night of feeling well yesterday and me thinking I was coming to the end of the this nasty cold, but I was wrong! I went to bed last night at 11:00, only to cough all night and wake up at 3 am. I couldn't fall back asleep: this cough has gotten worse and I can't sleep even with an elevated pillows stacked on top of each other. The sore throat is still there, partly, because I think I sleep with my mouth open! Ughhh
So no joke I was up from 3 am to 8 am wrapping presents, cleaning, etc. I went back to bed at 8 and slept until 11 am.
Spent the day coughing, coughing, and coughing. I am going to try to sleep upright on the couch and see if I can get more than a few consecutive hours at a time.
December 22 12dpt
Progesterone IM shot
Still sick: coughing, runny nose, headache, and sore throat.
Had those vibrations in my uterus/ovary area at 10:45 pm.
December 23 13dpt
Progesterone IM shot
BETA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will be going to the hospital near my home around 7:00 am. Shady Grove has called me around 12:00 to give the results. I have asked that they will be call my husband and he is to tell me at 4:30 pm when I get home from school. I just don't want to cry/be angry at school!
I was totally not anxious today because I made the choice to not get the call! It was a good decision, but it was very busy at school with the holiday party and activities. That helped a lot.
I wasn't anchored to my phone...I knew they would be calling at certain times, but I wasn't dwelling on it.
I HIGHLY recommend this to you if you are nervous!
I got nervous as I got closer to my house.
Around 4:15 pm when I came up the stairs, my husband told me that they said the hospital didn't fax the results. I thought he was messing with me, but he said he was serious.
Here he was! They called him at 2:00 pm to say they didn't get the results and wanted my hospital's phone number.
But they did call him shortly after with the news.......positive beta!
I thought I didn't want to know the number, but I did....but before I could speak out loud, he told me!
It was 960! And my husband doesn't know numbers that are good or bad either. He said the nurse just said that it was a "beautiful and strong number." LOL
960 is my highest number in all 4 pregnancies.
Last one was 935---natural miscarriage at 6 weeks, 1 day
Then 400---miscarriage at 7 weeks, 2 days
Then 300---miscarriage at 8 weeks, 2 days
Now the REAL anxiety begins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I go on Friday, December 26th to make sure the number has doubled plus more since it would be more than 48 hours.
December 24
I am happy to be one day pregnant today...I hope it will continue, but now the real paranoia and anxiety is kicking in. The What If's are coming and I know for sure that they will never leave.
Still feeling sick: coughing, sore throat, headache, and earache. I'm having those vibrations on the left side of my uterus too.
No pregnancy symptoms that are 'classic' ones I guess...I never did before either. The sore and enlarged boobs are from the PIO and Delestrogen shots most likely.
The vibrations I hope are the baby settling in there!
December 25
Merry Christmas!
I spent most of the night waking up with diarrhea...I believe it is due to eating fries with cheese, bacon, and ranch at night. Too much fatty foods! 'Tis the season though!
Today I have a horrendous earache, headache, and cough. I spent part of the afternoon at my parents' house opening presents, but couldn't go to Christmas dinner: I got a 101.1 fever added in with every time I coughed, my head throbbed so badly.
Today was miserable and I hope that all my sickness will be okay on the baby...I know it will but I'm paranoid that being sick can't be healthy for either of us. I'm drinking OJ, gargling salt water, eating soup, drink decaf tea with honey, and doing hot showers to help clear out the sinus pain...it doesn't seem to help, but I'm trying.
My beta is tomorrow and I'm paranoid they're gonna say it went down, didn't double enough, or went too high. Ughh
December 26
Feeling better today: just have the head pounding when I cough and some ear-aching.
Beta #2-------3206!!!!!! This has more than doubled because I went 72 hours than the usual 48 hours. I should've went yesterday, but since it was Xmas, the hospital was not open.
I was at the grocery store when I got the call. I don't need another beta and can schedule an ultrasound. My nurse asked if I had an ectopic before with my other losses, and I said no. She said then we can schedule it for January 2nd at 6 weeks or during the week of January 5.
I decided that I want to wait as long as I can, so I scheduled it for January 9th when I will be 7 weeks. I know it is a far off time, but I want to be as far along as I can so they can see as much as they can.
I'm just so terrified.
Progesterone IM shot
BETA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will be going to the hospital near my home around 7:00 am. Shady Grove has called me around 12:00 to give the results. I have asked that they will be call my husband and he is to tell me at 4:30 pm when I get home from school. I just don't want to cry/be angry at school!
I was totally not anxious today because I made the choice to not get the call! It was a good decision, but it was very busy at school with the holiday party and activities. That helped a lot.
I wasn't anchored to my phone...I knew they would be calling at certain times, but I wasn't dwelling on it.
I HIGHLY recommend this to you if you are nervous!
I got nervous as I got closer to my house.
Around 4:15 pm when I came up the stairs, my husband told me that they said the hospital didn't fax the results. I thought he was messing with me, but he said he was serious.
Here he was! They called him at 2:00 pm to say they didn't get the results and wanted my hospital's phone number.
But they did call him shortly after with the news.......positive beta!
I thought I didn't want to know the number, but I did....but before I could speak out loud, he told me!
It was 960! And my husband doesn't know numbers that are good or bad either. He said the nurse just said that it was a "beautiful and strong number." LOL
960 is my highest number in all 4 pregnancies.
Last one was 935---natural miscarriage at 6 weeks, 1 day
Then 400---miscarriage at 7 weeks, 2 days
Then 300---miscarriage at 8 weeks, 2 days
Now the REAL anxiety begins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I go on Friday, December 26th to make sure the number has doubled plus more since it would be more than 48 hours.
December 24
I am happy to be one day pregnant today...I hope it will continue, but now the real paranoia and anxiety is kicking in. The What If's are coming and I know for sure that they will never leave.
Still feeling sick: coughing, sore throat, headache, and earache. I'm having those vibrations on the left side of my uterus too.
No pregnancy symptoms that are 'classic' ones I guess...I never did before either. The sore and enlarged boobs are from the PIO and Delestrogen shots most likely.
The vibrations I hope are the baby settling in there!
December 25
Merry Christmas!
I spent most of the night waking up with diarrhea...I believe it is due to eating fries with cheese, bacon, and ranch at night. Too much fatty foods! 'Tis the season though!
Today I have a horrendous earache, headache, and cough. I spent part of the afternoon at my parents' house opening presents, but couldn't go to Christmas dinner: I got a 101.1 fever added in with every time I coughed, my head throbbed so badly.
Today was miserable and I hope that all my sickness will be okay on the baby...I know it will but I'm paranoid that being sick can't be healthy for either of us. I'm drinking OJ, gargling salt water, eating soup, drink decaf tea with honey, and doing hot showers to help clear out the sinus pain...it doesn't seem to help, but I'm trying.
My beta is tomorrow and I'm paranoid they're gonna say it went down, didn't double enough, or went too high. Ughh
December 26
Feeling better today: just have the head pounding when I cough and some ear-aching.
Beta #2-------3206!!!!!! This has more than doubled because I went 72 hours than the usual 48 hours. I should've went yesterday, but since it was Xmas, the hospital was not open.
I was at the grocery store when I got the call. I don't need another beta and can schedule an ultrasound. My nurse asked if I had an ectopic before with my other losses, and I said no. She said then we can schedule it for January 2nd at 6 weeks or during the week of January 5.
I decided that I want to wait as long as I can, so I scheduled it for January 9th when I will be 7 weeks. I know it is a far off time, but I want to be as far along as I can so they can see as much as they can.
I'm just so terrified.
Here we go again :(
December 30
Woke up late today because I love to sleep! Didn't know that it would be the worst day again....I went to pee at noon and as soon as I sat on the toilet, I felt something come out of me. Now I know this is TMI, but it felt like a clot when you get your period. I looked at my underwear and they were clean and I was confused...until I wiped. I was bleeding medium red blood. I'd say a medium amount too. This was not just pink/brown specks. It was like a light period.
I freaked the fuck out.
Crying and swearing, I dug my hand into the toilet trying to find the clot that I presumed was in there. I couldn't find or see anything red. Was it mucus? Something definitely plopped out.
I had my husband call my nurse Shirley and he left her a voicemail. I called my OB-GYN too several times but never got ahold of someone. Perhaps they were at lunch?
All I could do was lay in bed, cry, and talk to myself:
"What am I gonna do if I lost this baby and it's normal? It's my fault then!"
"I lost babies at 8, 7, 6, and now 5 weeks...what the fuck!"
"I can't handle another loss!"
As I was laying there, I was cramping too. Not majorly strong cramps but definitely ones that make you wonder what is going on.
Shirley called me back in 10 minutes or so and said if we lived closer and could've been there by 3, they would've been able to see me today. It was 12:30 pm and it takes us 4 hours to drive there.
She said as I already know that abnormal bleeding is very common and its good that it wasn't filling up a pad in an hour or severe cramping. She said the body can get confused and bleed, but there is nothing I could do to avoid a miscarriage from still happening.
All of this was so clearly reminiscent of August. I was having flashbacks of the same shit I just went through...how can I be stupid to think its going to be a positive outcome?
I got an appointment for 9:45 tomorrow in Frederick...I just laid down and cried and talked to myself for several hours. I did end up sleeping a little as well.
Getting up to go to the bathroom, the blood change to brown and the amount was less.
Even at 4:00, I am slightly cramping still, but the blood has lessened. Nothing is in my underwear, so technically this is spotting right?
I dunno.
All I know is that last few times I bled, it wasn't good.
Could it be the SCH like I had the last 2 losses? Could it be extra lining since I'm on so much to pump it up? Could it be mucus?
I just dunno.
I will be 5w5d tomorow and as I tried and tried to get my first ultrasound later and later, I just can't wait until January 9th....especially with being off from work and having this bleeding and cramping.
I am prepared for the worst tomorrow. And I know that even if the worst isn't what they say tomorrow, my history of things going to shit a few days post-appointment can happen too.
How naive I am to be happy? How stupid to think this might actually work out?
It's sad but realistic to understand how quickly your life can change for the worse in no time when it's happened so often before.
Woke up late today because I love to sleep! Didn't know that it would be the worst day again....I went to pee at noon and as soon as I sat on the toilet, I felt something come out of me. Now I know this is TMI, but it felt like a clot when you get your period. I looked at my underwear and they were clean and I was confused...until I wiped. I was bleeding medium red blood. I'd say a medium amount too. This was not just pink/brown specks. It was like a light period.
I freaked the fuck out.
Crying and swearing, I dug my hand into the toilet trying to find the clot that I presumed was in there. I couldn't find or see anything red. Was it mucus? Something definitely plopped out.
I had my husband call my nurse Shirley and he left her a voicemail. I called my OB-GYN too several times but never got ahold of someone. Perhaps they were at lunch?
All I could do was lay in bed, cry, and talk to myself:
"What am I gonna do if I lost this baby and it's normal? It's my fault then!"
"I lost babies at 8, 7, 6, and now 5 weeks...what the fuck!"
"I can't handle another loss!"
As I was laying there, I was cramping too. Not majorly strong cramps but definitely ones that make you wonder what is going on.
Shirley called me back in 10 minutes or so and said if we lived closer and could've been there by 3, they would've been able to see me today. It was 12:30 pm and it takes us 4 hours to drive there.
She said as I already know that abnormal bleeding is very common and its good that it wasn't filling up a pad in an hour or severe cramping. She said the body can get confused and bleed, but there is nothing I could do to avoid a miscarriage from still happening.
All of this was so clearly reminiscent of August. I was having flashbacks of the same shit I just went through...how can I be stupid to think its going to be a positive outcome?
I got an appointment for 9:45 tomorrow in Frederick...I just laid down and cried and talked to myself for several hours. I did end up sleeping a little as well.
Getting up to go to the bathroom, the blood change to brown and the amount was less.
Even at 4:00, I am slightly cramping still, but the blood has lessened. Nothing is in my underwear, so technically this is spotting right?
I dunno.
All I know is that last few times I bled, it wasn't good.
Could it be the SCH like I had the last 2 losses? Could it be extra lining since I'm on so much to pump it up? Could it be mucus?
I just dunno.
I will be 5w5d tomorow and as I tried and tried to get my first ultrasound later and later, I just can't wait until January 9th....especially with being off from work and having this bleeding and cramping.
I am prepared for the worst tomorrow. And I know that even if the worst isn't what they say tomorrow, my history of things going to shit a few days post-appointment can happen too.
How naive I am to be happy? How stupid to think this might actually work out?
It's sad but realistic to understand how quickly your life can change for the worse in no time when it's happened so often before.
5w5d ultrasound
December 31
My stomach hurt all last night: I was so nervous for today. My husband (who always drives me to my appointments when he is home) and I left at 4 a.m. to start the 4 hour drive to Frederick. My appointment wasn't until 9:45, but he likes to go early just in case there are accidents, bad weather, or high traffic.
I am very appreciative of him driving for I sleep...I could sleep during a heavy metal concert as well. Just something that I have always been: a heavy sleeper.
As soon as we got into the office, that was it...that was all it took for the tears. It was very difficult to not replay all the scenarios of past times where I went into the exam room okay and out in tears and swearing.
Once called back, I had to go to the bathroom (nerves again) and as I came out, there was my RE and nurse. My nurse asked me how I was and all I could muster up was a faint "I'm....so....anxious." Then instant tears.
I laid on the exam table and waited for them to come in. My husband has been a constant motivator because he knows I self-destruct quickly. I don't know if it's shear genius on his part or if he's worried about the safety of the people around me for when I get mad, I do not quietly implode.
My RE and nurse came in and the RE said that today we should see a yolk sac. He said he wasn't expecting much else since it was early.
"So you've bled some?" he asked.
I told him about yesterday bleeding medium red blood until around 1:00, then it switched to old blood all night. Not a ton, but it was each time I wiped.
As I laid back for the ultrasound wand, I couldn't look at the mini screen near my head...I just closed my eyes and braced myself for those words I've heard before.
However, this time I was shocked as to what my RE would say:
"There's the yolk sac...and it looks like the fetal pole too! Wow! This is early, but there it is...flickering...do you see it?"
I turned to look and there it was: a flickering light inside a yolk sac.
I started to cry: "I haven't seen one of those in years." 2012 was the first and last time I saw a fetal pole flickering.
My nurse said "Look at this little pumpkin! So advanced!"
Dr. Bromer commented: "And it's measuring a day later too at 5 weeks, 6 days! That is so great!" He measured the crown to rump at 0.27 cm.
I just couldn't believe it...to say I was shocked would be an understatement.
"And the heart is beating 94 beats per minute which is exactly where it should be."
Wow! I mean just wow!!!
"So there's no subchiornoic hemorrhage?" I asked.
"No there isn't."
Dr. Bromer said that January 9th would be fine to see me again. I will be 7 weeks exactly then.
"Why was I bleeding?"
"Many times, women bleed and it's not even from the uterus: it's from the cervix or vagina. A long time ago, doctors would use a speculum and look to see a blue colored cervix to see if women were pregnant. The cervix becomes engorged and swollen with blood and very sensitive. Just one little touch can make it bleed. Some women bleed through pads and we can still see a heart beat." said my nurse.
Wow....just wow.
I got my little papers of the yolk sac and we left. I was still dazed and surprised as to getting all this positive info for a change.
I didn't even go on Google to look up a thing...this will be my New Year's resolution. Let's hope it sticks!
My stomach hurt all last night: I was so nervous for today. My husband (who always drives me to my appointments when he is home) and I left at 4 a.m. to start the 4 hour drive to Frederick. My appointment wasn't until 9:45, but he likes to go early just in case there are accidents, bad weather, or high traffic.
I am very appreciative of him driving for I sleep...I could sleep during a heavy metal concert as well. Just something that I have always been: a heavy sleeper.
As soon as we got into the office, that was it...that was all it took for the tears. It was very difficult to not replay all the scenarios of past times where I went into the exam room okay and out in tears and swearing.
Once called back, I had to go to the bathroom (nerves again) and as I came out, there was my RE and nurse. My nurse asked me how I was and all I could muster up was a faint "I'm....so....anxious." Then instant tears.
I laid on the exam table and waited for them to come in. My husband has been a constant motivator because he knows I self-destruct quickly. I don't know if it's shear genius on his part or if he's worried about the safety of the people around me for when I get mad, I do not quietly implode.
My RE and nurse came in and the RE said that today we should see a yolk sac. He said he wasn't expecting much else since it was early.
"So you've bled some?" he asked.
I told him about yesterday bleeding medium red blood until around 1:00, then it switched to old blood all night. Not a ton, but it was each time I wiped.
As I laid back for the ultrasound wand, I couldn't look at the mini screen near my head...I just closed my eyes and braced myself for those words I've heard before.
However, this time I was shocked as to what my RE would say:
"There's the yolk sac...and it looks like the fetal pole too! Wow! This is early, but there it is...flickering...do you see it?"
I turned to look and there it was: a flickering light inside a yolk sac.
I started to cry: "I haven't seen one of those in years." 2012 was the first and last time I saw a fetal pole flickering.
My nurse said "Look at this little pumpkin! So advanced!"
Dr. Bromer commented: "And it's measuring a day later too at 5 weeks, 6 days! That is so great!" He measured the crown to rump at 0.27 cm.
I just couldn't believe it...to say I was shocked would be an understatement.
"And the heart is beating 94 beats per minute which is exactly where it should be."
Wow! I mean just wow!!!
"So there's no subchiornoic hemorrhage?" I asked.
"No there isn't."
Dr. Bromer said that January 9th would be fine to see me again. I will be 7 weeks exactly then.
"Why was I bleeding?"
"Many times, women bleed and it's not even from the uterus: it's from the cervix or vagina. A long time ago, doctors would use a speculum and look to see a blue colored cervix to see if women were pregnant. The cervix becomes engorged and swollen with blood and very sensitive. Just one little touch can make it bleed. Some women bleed through pads and we can still see a heart beat." said my nurse.
Wow....just wow.
I got my little papers of the yolk sac and we left. I was still dazed and surprised as to getting all this positive info for a change.
I didn't even go on Google to look up a thing...this will be my New Year's resolution. Let's hope it sticks!