Well...it worked!
So I found out on July 31st that my first beta was 935.
I am still in shock. Check out this post if you're interested in knowing about anxiety or products to change to.
I will go on Monday, August 4th for another beta.
But I have been down this road before two other times: can you really ever feel safe? Nope.
I will say that my mood is a lot better since becoming pregnant again.
I am still the infertile inside. I know that I always will. I still wince seeing people limp because I have been there with my hips. I still get teary hearing people talk about how their physical state ruins their quality of life. I am still conflicted about how I feel by being pregnant again. Will this time work? I don't know.
However, I am happy. Yes, believe it or not, I am much happier.
Whereas before, my life consisted of what if's? It consisted of me thinking and talking about fertility. All the time.
I was consumed by it and still am to an extent because I realize that this honeymoon state can be quickly and unknowingly taken from me.
It's frightening and exciting at the same time.
I am due April 5th, 2015 which is Easter Sunday. My first pregnancy was due April 7th. Ugggh.
Well, I wanted to go in for my first ultrasound past 6.5 weeks because I wanted to hear the heart beat first and foremost. However, my RE wants me earlier before the heart beat can be detected. I will go in on August 8th at 5w5d.
I wish I could just wait until 9 weeks...that way there would be no doubt that there should be a heart beat.
The heart beat can be heard from 6.5 to 7 weeks my RE said.
I want to get past that 7-8 week mark that I never got past before.
I take each day at a time. I've just been feeling headachy and have enlarged breasts. That's it.
I am still in shock. Check out this post if you're interested in knowing about anxiety or products to change to.
I will go on Monday, August 4th for another beta.
But I have been down this road before two other times: can you really ever feel safe? Nope.
I will say that my mood is a lot better since becoming pregnant again.
I am still the infertile inside. I know that I always will. I still wince seeing people limp because I have been there with my hips. I still get teary hearing people talk about how their physical state ruins their quality of life. I am still conflicted about how I feel by being pregnant again. Will this time work? I don't know.
However, I am happy. Yes, believe it or not, I am much happier.
Whereas before, my life consisted of what if's? It consisted of me thinking and talking about fertility. All the time.
I was consumed by it and still am to an extent because I realize that this honeymoon state can be quickly and unknowingly taken from me.
It's frightening and exciting at the same time.
I am due April 5th, 2015 which is Easter Sunday. My first pregnancy was due April 7th. Ugggh.
Well, I wanted to go in for my first ultrasound past 6.5 weeks because I wanted to hear the heart beat first and foremost. However, my RE wants me earlier before the heart beat can be detected. I will go in on August 8th at 5w5d.
I wish I could just wait until 9 weeks...that way there would be no doubt that there should be a heart beat.
The heart beat can be heard from 6.5 to 7 weeks my RE said.
I want to get past that 7-8 week mark that I never got past before.
I take each day at a time. I've just been feeling headachy and have enlarged breasts. That's it.
Nutrition
I started a nutrition sheet for the food groups. I went to Choose My Plate and filled in my stats to get a better look at what I should be eating per day. Not a diet mind you, but just a reminder I better get in my veggies!
I made this chart in Word if you'd like to print it for yourself. The site told me I need 2600 calories. I am making sure that I'm drinking a ton of water too. I usually do, but this makes me feel more accountable.
I made this chart in Word if you'd like to print it for yourself. The site told me I need 2600 calories. I am making sure that I'm drinking a ton of water too. I usually do, but this makes me feel more accountable.
2600_calories_a_day.doc | |
File Size: | 563 kb |
File Type: | doc |
Meds
I am continuing to use PIO and Delestrogen. My nurse said that I could switch to Crinone vaginal suppositories for the progesterone, but I don't want too. If you've been on them before, they can clumpy and nasty. Wiping away clumps of white shit from your va-jay-jay is not my cup of tea.
I'd rather have the bruises and jabs. I had to continue the Delestrogen anyways, so might as well do the PIO still.
I'd rather have the bruises and jabs. I had to continue the Delestrogen anyways, so might as well do the PIO still.
August 4th.....2nd beta & bleeding/cramping
So I got up like normal to get my second beta at 8 am. My office doesn't call until 12:30 or later, so I came home from the hospital and went back to sleep! I can do that...yes it's a gift! haha
Around 1:00, I felt cramps, but thought nothing of it. I got on my bikini because I was going to swim. I went to the bathroom and noticed blood...yep bright red. PANIC MODE!
I called my nurse and left a message. All I could do was cry. I just laid in bed so distraught.
Here I'm cramping and spotting and don't you know this just blows.
My nurse called back with my beta to say it was 2,848 which was "excellent" according to her. She said I didn't need to go in on Wednesday for a repeat unless I wanted to. She said many women expect to see that doubling, but sometimes they don't double when they get higher.
She said the spotting and cramping were very normal. It is scary she said, but nothing to get alarmed over. If I went to the ER, she said they wouldn't be able to see anything yet with their equipment and that would freak me out even more. She said some women complain that the cramping is worse than during their periods.
So I felt better after that and went to the pool. I just laid out and walked in the water with my friend.
When I got home around 4:30, I was getting ready to go work out. I got on all my gear and here we go again, more blood! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
A lot more blood and clots. Like TMI, but dime sized clots. Mucusy like my period was starting. I was really cramping and then I called my husband up stairs to look at the toilet paper. Yes, gross, but I know each of you would've done the same.
I just started crying again. I called my nurse and left her a teary message. I put a liner in the underwear and laid on the couch. I just couldn't believe this was happening. In my other pregnancies, I had no bleeding.
The cramping subsided after I passed those clots, but it did come back in minor waves.
My nurse called back and said if I wanted to, they could see me tomorrow for an ultrasound but they wouldn't be able to see as much as when I would go on Friday.
She said that sometimes women bleed a lot....especially those with multiples. The embryos are burrowing into the lining and perhaps they hit a capillary or even one of the embryos doesn't implant and gets expelled. Or I could be bleeding behind the placenta.
Or it could be a miscarriage. She said if it was, you couldn't do anything about it anyways since it was going to happen regardless.
Now if this happens to you....STAY OFF OF GOOGLE!!!
You will get the forums and those are just hit or miss. Believe it when I say just listen to your nurse/doctor like their word is the only thing that is truthful.
She said I could go on Wednesday and do the repeat beta, but it was up to me again. She said it might not perfectly double and a lot of women are hung up on that exactly doubling.
I told her I'd just wait until Friday when I can see my RE for my first ultrasound at 5w5d. I never had any bleeding before. Last pregnancy, I had a subchorionic hemorrhage, but that didn't cause any spotting either. It could've they said.
My husband just said to bank on having issues from every angle because nothing has been easy so why expect that now.
I guess it's time I just accept it.
It is 9:15 pm and each time I hit the bathroom, I am still bleeding, but less than that clotting at 5. It is still red, but darker. Like rust color? I dunno.
I hope this stops or at least is nothing indicative of another failed pregnancy. I don't think my heart can handle that.
Ok to summarize the entire day: I cramped from 1 pm to literally 1 am. I had blood each time I wiped with 3 of the wipes being clotty. I also must add that TMI----diarrhea twice. Like I literally thought my period was starting for real. This is what happens to me on CD1: cramps, bleeding, and diarrhea.
Around 1:00, I felt cramps, but thought nothing of it. I got on my bikini because I was going to swim. I went to the bathroom and noticed blood...yep bright red. PANIC MODE!
I called my nurse and left a message. All I could do was cry. I just laid in bed so distraught.
Here I'm cramping and spotting and don't you know this just blows.
My nurse called back with my beta to say it was 2,848 which was "excellent" according to her. She said I didn't need to go in on Wednesday for a repeat unless I wanted to. She said many women expect to see that doubling, but sometimes they don't double when they get higher.
She said the spotting and cramping were very normal. It is scary she said, but nothing to get alarmed over. If I went to the ER, she said they wouldn't be able to see anything yet with their equipment and that would freak me out even more. She said some women complain that the cramping is worse than during their periods.
So I felt better after that and went to the pool. I just laid out and walked in the water with my friend.
When I got home around 4:30, I was getting ready to go work out. I got on all my gear and here we go again, more blood! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
A lot more blood and clots. Like TMI, but dime sized clots. Mucusy like my period was starting. I was really cramping and then I called my husband up stairs to look at the toilet paper. Yes, gross, but I know each of you would've done the same.
I just started crying again. I called my nurse and left her a teary message. I put a liner in the underwear and laid on the couch. I just couldn't believe this was happening. In my other pregnancies, I had no bleeding.
The cramping subsided after I passed those clots, but it did come back in minor waves.
My nurse called back and said if I wanted to, they could see me tomorrow for an ultrasound but they wouldn't be able to see as much as when I would go on Friday.
She said that sometimes women bleed a lot....especially those with multiples. The embryos are burrowing into the lining and perhaps they hit a capillary or even one of the embryos doesn't implant and gets expelled. Or I could be bleeding behind the placenta.
Or it could be a miscarriage. She said if it was, you couldn't do anything about it anyways since it was going to happen regardless.
Now if this happens to you....STAY OFF OF GOOGLE!!!
You will get the forums and those are just hit or miss. Believe it when I say just listen to your nurse/doctor like their word is the only thing that is truthful.
She said I could go on Wednesday and do the repeat beta, but it was up to me again. She said it might not perfectly double and a lot of women are hung up on that exactly doubling.
I told her I'd just wait until Friday when I can see my RE for my first ultrasound at 5w5d. I never had any bleeding before. Last pregnancy, I had a subchorionic hemorrhage, but that didn't cause any spotting either. It could've they said.
My husband just said to bank on having issues from every angle because nothing has been easy so why expect that now.
I guess it's time I just accept it.
It is 9:15 pm and each time I hit the bathroom, I am still bleeding, but less than that clotting at 5. It is still red, but darker. Like rust color? I dunno.
I hope this stops or at least is nothing indicative of another failed pregnancy. I don't think my heart can handle that.
Ok to summarize the entire day: I cramped from 1 pm to literally 1 am. I had blood each time I wiped with 3 of the wipes being clotty. I also must add that TMI----diarrhea twice. Like I literally thought my period was starting for real. This is what happens to me on CD1: cramps, bleeding, and diarrhea.
August 5th
Today was a FABULOUS day compared to yesterday's hot mess: no cramping, very little dark blood when I wiped. This teetered off around 10 pm. It did get significantly less as the day went on.
Needless to say, I didn't work out today and won't until I see my RE on Friday for the ultrasound.
My nurse called today to check up on me. She wondered if I was doing okay and if there had been any new developments. I really appreciated the call. She said too that if I wanted to go in for another beta, I could. The RE didn't recommend it because my previous one was so high.
I'm not going to go in. The last thing I need is another number to worry over. I just want Friday to be here and they can see what is going on in that uterus of mine!
Check this out if you are curious about ultrasound milestones or fetal development timeline.
Needless to say, I didn't work out today and won't until I see my RE on Friday for the ultrasound.
My nurse called today to check up on me. She wondered if I was doing okay and if there had been any new developments. I really appreciated the call. She said too that if I wanted to go in for another beta, I could. The RE didn't recommend it because my previous one was so high.
I'm not going to go in. The last thing I need is another number to worry over. I just want Friday to be here and they can see what is going on in that uterus of mine!
Check this out if you are curious about ultrasound milestones or fetal development timeline.
5w5d ultrasound
Well, I spotted a teeny bit on August 6 & 7. It was all dark blood.
Today I had my 5w5d ultrasound.
We have to drive 4 hours to my RE's in Maryland. We got up at 3 am.
I didn't wear any makeup on purpose because I just anticipate crying.
Once we got to the office, I felt like I was gonna throw up from anxiety. I was sick to my stomach to hear bad news.
It was a trans-vaginal ultrasound. I couldn't even look at the little screen that was next to my head. I just closed my eyes while my RE and the tech talked about what they saw.
They saw 1 gestational sac and it looked normal!
Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
I asked him why I had that bleeding and cramping on Monday. He said he did see a clot at the top and that could've been it. He also said it could've been the other embryo that didn't implant. He said there's really no way to tell. He said it's common and something to just watch for.
I told him that I would like to come again when there will definitely be a heartbeat. We planned for Monday, August 18th at 8:30 am. I will be 7w1d then and there should be a heartbeat. If there is not, that is a problem.
I left the office feeling a shit ton better.
Now I just wait until the 18th and hold my breath there's a heart beat! If I can just get to the end of the month, I would be 9 weeks.
Please oh please oh please!
Today I had my 5w5d ultrasound.
We have to drive 4 hours to my RE's in Maryland. We got up at 3 am.
I didn't wear any makeup on purpose because I just anticipate crying.
Once we got to the office, I felt like I was gonna throw up from anxiety. I was sick to my stomach to hear bad news.
It was a trans-vaginal ultrasound. I couldn't even look at the little screen that was next to my head. I just closed my eyes while my RE and the tech talked about what they saw.
They saw 1 gestational sac and it looked normal!
Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
I asked him why I had that bleeding and cramping on Monday. He said he did see a clot at the top and that could've been it. He also said it could've been the other embryo that didn't implant. He said there's really no way to tell. He said it's common and something to just watch for.
I told him that I would like to come again when there will definitely be a heartbeat. We planned for Monday, August 18th at 8:30 am. I will be 7w1d then and there should be a heartbeat. If there is not, that is a problem.
I left the office feeling a shit ton better.
Now I just wait until the 18th and hold my breath there's a heart beat! If I can just get to the end of the month, I would be 9 weeks.
Please oh please oh please!
IVF Meds Weight Gain
I know it might look dumb to put myself out there, but I'd like to add that I have gotten SOOOOOOOO many great emails in the last few months from you guys about the blog and I will ALWAYS BE fearlessly authentic!
I will keep it real and give you my story...I know it is NOT the story of every IVF patient, but it's pretty common.
IVF meds weight gain.....well, I'm going to blame it on that at least.
Since starting IVF meds in February until now, I have gained 30-35 pounds. Yikes! I must add that I about 6 feet tall and muscular, so it doesn't totally look like a ton of weight, but my clothes can tell!
I've always been a size 14-16. Now, I don't know what size I'd be? 18? 20? 22? I am 6 feet tall and 250 lbs. Yep. I can't believe it either. I've always been a "big" girl...very large framed. You know how people say big boned? Well I wouldn't say that but I will say that my brother, sister, and I are just larger framed people. My brother is 6'4" and my sister is 5'8". We're just big...simply put.
I've struggled all my life with weight...I typically weight 215 lbs. Most people would NEVER guess that and are shocked when I say that because I'm muscular. I've had people guess that I was 160 or 170 lbs hahaah. Should've did those guess my weights at carnivals when they had them!
I always have been bigger. I played 4 sports in high school, collegiate track and field, intramural softball, basketball, volleyball, and whatever I could AND I've been lifting weights since I was in 9th grade and literally have never stopped.
I'm sure my gain is because of a combination of things...here's what I think:
Maybe you've gained less...good for you! Maybe you've gone none: how did you do that?!?
After my D&C in April, I was trying to lose weight with diet and exercise and it still didn't make much of a difference even then. I was off all my meds. I kept track and even used the Weight Watchers chart that I've had for years with the point allocations.
I must've lost 2 lbs from April 27-June something. And I was using the My Fitness Pal app for calorie counting. Doing Insanity classes, T25, lifting, and basically trying to get fit.
It didn't work. I tried though.
But all in all, when you are paying $30,000 over 5+ years to get pregnant, it's worth it when you have that baby in your arms....I'm not there yet, but I realize someday I will be.
Don't be too hard on yourself...I've gotten pregnant 2 times with IVF and once naturally.
It's just part of the process. If someone told you that if you'd gain 20 lbs, you'd get pregnant, then you'd be like "Ok where's the ice cream and cake!"
So at work in March-June, I literally couldn't button my pants. I wore dresses as often as I could!
I was using a hair band to loop onto the button and go through the hole to gain a few inches of breathing room, but soon that wouldn't cut the mustard. My sister said that Bella Bands would be the answer and she was right. She bought me 2 Bella Bands BEFORE I was pregnant because she said I could go button less and still not lose my job because my pants wouldn't just fall down. These suckers made me feel kinda bad that I wasn't pregnant and yet I'm using a maternity item. HOWEVER, they were necessary for me to not go out and buy all new sized clothes. I'm so glad she bought them!
I know that I will lose weight once I'm off the meds and my body can get back to normal.
My husband doesn't care about it....he really doesn't.
So, yeah, now that I'm pregnant a third time, I just gotta get over it.
I will keep it real and give you my story...I know it is NOT the story of every IVF patient, but it's pretty common.
IVF meds weight gain.....well, I'm going to blame it on that at least.
Since starting IVF meds in February until now, I have gained 30-35 pounds. Yikes! I must add that I about 6 feet tall and muscular, so it doesn't totally look like a ton of weight, but my clothes can tell!
I've always been a size 14-16. Now, I don't know what size I'd be? 18? 20? 22? I am 6 feet tall and 250 lbs. Yep. I can't believe it either. I've always been a "big" girl...very large framed. You know how people say big boned? Well I wouldn't say that but I will say that my brother, sister, and I are just larger framed people. My brother is 6'4" and my sister is 5'8". We're just big...simply put.
I've struggled all my life with weight...I typically weight 215 lbs. Most people would NEVER guess that and are shocked when I say that because I'm muscular. I've had people guess that I was 160 or 170 lbs hahaah. Should've did those guess my weights at carnivals when they had them!
I always have been bigger. I played 4 sports in high school, collegiate track and field, intramural softball, basketball, volleyball, and whatever I could AND I've been lifting weights since I was in 9th grade and literally have never stopped.
I'm sure my gain is because of a combination of things...here's what I think:
- Hormone changes: enough said!
- Decrease in exercise due to stims: was told by many patients/friends that if you twist your ovaries doing something like jumping jacks, you are gonna be shit out of luck
- Decrease in exercise due to pain in lowerback from IM shots: yeah those lumps hurt and mind you before my transfer, I was doing INSANITY classes at the Y and literally yelled out during the Heisman move because I felt like someone stabbed me! Must've been a pocket of oil getting twisted or soreness from the area
Maybe you've gained less...good for you! Maybe you've gone none: how did you do that?!?
After my D&C in April, I was trying to lose weight with diet and exercise and it still didn't make much of a difference even then. I was off all my meds. I kept track and even used the Weight Watchers chart that I've had for years with the point allocations.
I must've lost 2 lbs from April 27-June something. And I was using the My Fitness Pal app for calorie counting. Doing Insanity classes, T25, lifting, and basically trying to get fit.
It didn't work. I tried though.
But all in all, when you are paying $30,000 over 5+ years to get pregnant, it's worth it when you have that baby in your arms....I'm not there yet, but I realize someday I will be.
Don't be too hard on yourself...I've gotten pregnant 2 times with IVF and once naturally.
It's just part of the process. If someone told you that if you'd gain 20 lbs, you'd get pregnant, then you'd be like "Ok where's the ice cream and cake!"
So at work in March-June, I literally couldn't button my pants. I wore dresses as often as I could!
I was using a hair band to loop onto the button and go through the hole to gain a few inches of breathing room, but soon that wouldn't cut the mustard. My sister said that Bella Bands would be the answer and she was right. She bought me 2 Bella Bands BEFORE I was pregnant because she said I could go button less and still not lose my job because my pants wouldn't just fall down. These suckers made me feel kinda bad that I wasn't pregnant and yet I'm using a maternity item. HOWEVER, they were necessary for me to not go out and buy all new sized clothes. I'm so glad she bought them!
I know that I will lose weight once I'm off the meds and my body can get back to normal.
My husband doesn't care about it....he really doesn't.
So, yeah, now that I'm pregnant a third time, I just gotta get over it.
6 weeks & more bleeding...ugh
After I thought I had a break, the bleeding started again on Sunday, August 10th. And the cramping again. Seems like this wants to go on while I'm at the pool. It started at 2:00. It wasn't much and dark brown. I kept wondering if this could be the SCH resolving itself? I dunno. I took 2 Tylenol to help with the cramps.
August 11th---6 weeks, 1 day
Well, I'm bleeding a lot today. Started cramping and bleeding around 1:00 pm.
I know I'm not supposed to worry unless I'm filling up a pad in a hour, but this sucks. I worked out early today, so I don't know if that was the trigger? It wasn't in the past because I usually exercise around 6 or 7 pm. Again, I took 2 Tylenol.
I know my next ultrasound is Monday, August 18th, but is it sad that I look now at the days between the appointment and when I begin school on the 22nd and see those days are possible D&C days? Jesus, what's wrong with me. It's like I'm glad there will be days left before beginning school so I can quickly get the baby out if shit hits the fan.
I already assume the worst. I mean what can be worse than infertility? Recurrent pregnancy loss? And what's worse than that: getting pregnant after all that and then continuing to bleed and worry every damn minute that you won't ever be successful?
What do normal people think about? What do women who don't struggle think when they go to an ultrasound? If I didn't have all these tests and ultrasounds, I wouldn't even think I was pregnant with this consecutive bleeding. I would just chalk it up to a messed up period.
Kill me now. Ughhhhhh
UPDATE: So today was total hell. I ended up going through 3 pads! From 5:15-5:30, I thought I was going to die from the cramps. Absolutely the worst pain that I've had ever...even after so many hip surgeries and D&C's. I started crying and just couldn't believe this is my life. Sitting on the couch had plugged me up and then as soon as I went to pee, a huge clot would come out with more blood.
The Tylenol didn't do shit. It was almost as though I didn't even take them.
It's 8:30 pm now and I haven't cramped since 6:30 pm. I'm still bleeding like I'm on my period though.
I'm not going to work out until I see my RE on Monday. It might've been triggered by working out even though I wasn't going crazy...just doing modified T25 and lifting! Nothing crazy like running 5 miles or some shit.
August 11th---6 weeks, 1 day
Well, I'm bleeding a lot today. Started cramping and bleeding around 1:00 pm.
I know I'm not supposed to worry unless I'm filling up a pad in a hour, but this sucks. I worked out early today, so I don't know if that was the trigger? It wasn't in the past because I usually exercise around 6 or 7 pm. Again, I took 2 Tylenol.
I know my next ultrasound is Monday, August 18th, but is it sad that I look now at the days between the appointment and when I begin school on the 22nd and see those days are possible D&C days? Jesus, what's wrong with me. It's like I'm glad there will be days left before beginning school so I can quickly get the baby out if shit hits the fan.
I already assume the worst. I mean what can be worse than infertility? Recurrent pregnancy loss? And what's worse than that: getting pregnant after all that and then continuing to bleed and worry every damn minute that you won't ever be successful?
What do normal people think about? What do women who don't struggle think when they go to an ultrasound? If I didn't have all these tests and ultrasounds, I wouldn't even think I was pregnant with this consecutive bleeding. I would just chalk it up to a messed up period.
Kill me now. Ughhhhhh
UPDATE: So today was total hell. I ended up going through 3 pads! From 5:15-5:30, I thought I was going to die from the cramps. Absolutely the worst pain that I've had ever...even after so many hip surgeries and D&C's. I started crying and just couldn't believe this is my life. Sitting on the couch had plugged me up and then as soon as I went to pee, a huge clot would come out with more blood.
The Tylenol didn't do shit. It was almost as though I didn't even take them.
It's 8:30 pm now and I haven't cramped since 6:30 pm. I'm still bleeding like I'm on my period though.
I'm not going to work out until I see my RE on Monday. It might've been triggered by working out even though I wasn't going crazy...just doing modified T25 and lifting! Nothing crazy like running 5 miles or some shit.
August 12th - 17th
So I've spent the week from Monday's hell by just relaxing. I've luckily only had a teeny bit of dark blood spotting each day. No cramps or bright red bleeding.
I had a talk therapy appointment on Tuesday and my therapist said to take time for myself this week before next Monday's heart beat ultrasound appointment. She said its best to do other things so I'm not preoccupied with doom and gloom.
So...I've done a ton of school work this week. And I've spent time with my dog! I wish I could take her everywhere. She is such a sweetie! haha
It's just me at home: my parents are away visiting my sister and my husband is away working. Yes, I will be going to the ultrasound appointment alone. It's really okay. My friends are busy and besides, sometimes, well, like last time, I preferred to have my temper tantrum in private as I drove home 4 hours.
I went clothes shopping with my best friend this week. It was nice to get things, but overall, I've gone up 1-2 sizes. I'm a 1x/2x. Not sure what that translates into for number sizes higher than 16 because the clothes at Ross was marked with 1x, 2x, etc. This is fine because I was able to find stuff to wear that was cute. Plus I got 2 dresses which can fit usually no matter how much weight you gain.
I went to the outlets with my brother and I was on a mission to buy belts because mine don't fit. Not the belts to wear in loop holes, but the type that go around your waist as an accessory. I'm a huge waist cincher with those suckers! I found some at Old Navy that I was surprised fit L/XL! Yay!
I did go into Motherhood Maternity. It was difficult to go into the store, but I had a long talk with the woman that worked there. It was late at night and her and I were the only ones. Her daughter had done IVF and had the exact same reservations about buying clothes etc. She gained weight from meds.
It was very nice to talk with her and it made me feel comfortable. I ended up buying a full panel pair of black pants for school.
It does suck that there aren't any Plus size Tall maternity clothes that are reasonably priced. There are plus ones and separate tall ones but not together....at least I couldn't find any. Some people some of the brands run longer or bigger and are not specifically marked "Plus" or "Tall". I'm one of those people that has to try stuff on, so I avoid buying clothes online that I haven't tried on.
I also got free tickets to attend the county fair. I know I will see my fair share of pregnant teens, but at least I can walk around and grab some good food to eat.
Saturday, August 16th----started bleeding again
Around 4:30 p.m., I went to go to the bathroom and again saw the bright red blood with clots. Ugggghhhh I put a pad on and headed to the county fair for some good food. I was surprised when I went to the bathroom and didn't have anything in my pad. It quickly turned to old blood after that, so I don't know what was going on.
Sunday, August 17th
So far so good, but it's only 11 a.m. I know tonight will be difficult to sleep. I am going to have to get up at 3:30 a.m. or so to drive the 4 hours to Frederick. I hope I can sleep!
I had a talk therapy appointment on Tuesday and my therapist said to take time for myself this week before next Monday's heart beat ultrasound appointment. She said its best to do other things so I'm not preoccupied with doom and gloom.
So...I've done a ton of school work this week. And I've spent time with my dog! I wish I could take her everywhere. She is such a sweetie! haha
It's just me at home: my parents are away visiting my sister and my husband is away working. Yes, I will be going to the ultrasound appointment alone. It's really okay. My friends are busy and besides, sometimes, well, like last time, I preferred to have my temper tantrum in private as I drove home 4 hours.
I went clothes shopping with my best friend this week. It was nice to get things, but overall, I've gone up 1-2 sizes. I'm a 1x/2x. Not sure what that translates into for number sizes higher than 16 because the clothes at Ross was marked with 1x, 2x, etc. This is fine because I was able to find stuff to wear that was cute. Plus I got 2 dresses which can fit usually no matter how much weight you gain.
I went to the outlets with my brother and I was on a mission to buy belts because mine don't fit. Not the belts to wear in loop holes, but the type that go around your waist as an accessory. I'm a huge waist cincher with those suckers! I found some at Old Navy that I was surprised fit L/XL! Yay!
I did go into Motherhood Maternity. It was difficult to go into the store, but I had a long talk with the woman that worked there. It was late at night and her and I were the only ones. Her daughter had done IVF and had the exact same reservations about buying clothes etc. She gained weight from meds.
It was very nice to talk with her and it made me feel comfortable. I ended up buying a full panel pair of black pants for school.
It does suck that there aren't any Plus size Tall maternity clothes that are reasonably priced. There are plus ones and separate tall ones but not together....at least I couldn't find any. Some people some of the brands run longer or bigger and are not specifically marked "Plus" or "Tall". I'm one of those people that has to try stuff on, so I avoid buying clothes online that I haven't tried on.
I also got free tickets to attend the county fair. I know I will see my fair share of pregnant teens, but at least I can walk around and grab some good food to eat.
Saturday, August 16th----started bleeding again
Around 4:30 p.m., I went to go to the bathroom and again saw the bright red blood with clots. Ugggghhhh I put a pad on and headed to the county fair for some good food. I was surprised when I went to the bathroom and didn't have anything in my pad. It quickly turned to old blood after that, so I don't know what was going on.
Sunday, August 17th
So far so good, but it's only 11 a.m. I know tonight will be difficult to sleep. I am going to have to get up at 3:30 a.m. or so to drive the 4 hours to Frederick. I hope I can sleep!
7 weeks, 1 day ultrasound HELL
Well...today was horrible. I'll just put that out there first.
I got up at 3 am to get showered and ready to drive 4 hours to Frederick, MD. I got there around 7:45 for an 8:30 a.m. appointment.
I was fine the entire time until I got into the exam room and on the table. I tried crocheting while I was on the exam table and I was trembling...I was so frightened.
My RE came in and I couldn't look at the mini ultrasound screen. I just looked away.
He put the probe in and after 10 seconds said:
"You must've passed it Julie."
Begin mental breakdown:
CRY CRY CRY SWEAR SWEAR YELL CRY SHAKE
"Why is this happening? I knew it last Monday when I was cramping and bleeding so much! I'll never get a baby!!!!"
I started shaking and rocking again. I just simply couldn't grasp this fact that my uterus was totally empty.
My RE just let me have my emotional breakdown while the nurse was rubbing my shoulder. I just couldn't help it. I began to yell and swear again and talk loudly.
He had time later and could talk to me at 9:30 after he'd done the morning monitoring. I could wait in his office while he did this and just relax.
I had to walk past the waiting room full of people and I'm hysterical, crying, and hyperventilating.
I took 2 anti-anxiety pills as soon as I hit his office. Another worker came in and kept rubbing my shoulder and asking me to calm down. I was shaking as I was drinking water.
Yeah, you calm down bitch. I hate when people say that.
I told her I needed a drink inferring an alcoholic one. She said "Well, you can now!" Yeah, lady this is not the time for funny quips. God, do people not know how to handle traumatic scenarios in the medical field? Shit
I called my husband 4 times because he was at work in New York. I called his brother too that is working with him. They weren't able to answer their phones.
My mom and dad are still in Arizona visiting my sister and they are 3 hours behind. It would've been 5:30 am there and I called her anyway.
"Mom the baby's dead! There's nothing in there! I miscarried it last week when I was bleeding & cramping so much!"
"Oh my god Julie.....I'm so sorry.....Oh my...."
I tried my husband again. I called his sister that was at work. She was soooo upset.
I ended up getting ahold of my husband and he was so sad. He just kept saying how sorry he was this happened.
I just started crying so much he could barely understand me. He asked me if I wanted him to come home from New York, but I told him no. My parents are coming home from AZ tomorrow and I just wanted to be alone.
The RE ended up coming into his office around 10:00 a.m. We got my husband on speaker phone. Here's what he said:
1. Get your HCG to go down.
2. Won't need a D&C unless that number doesn't go down and there could be remnants leftover.
And with the next cycle?
Well, according to the Shared Risk contract, I must use the frozen embryos before any fresh cycles. However, my RE said that they look at that as an individual patient basis and he will bring it up to the committee our story: 2 chromosomal flukes, and this natural miscarriage which we can't test, but most likely chromosomal. So our batch of 4 embryos had 3 that were abnormal for sure. He said that usually it's 50% abnormal vs. normal, but stats can vary.
He thinks the committee will approve this scenario:
The testing is going to be a lot: it's $1,500 just for Shady Grove to biopsy up to 8 embryos. Then you pay additional fees to the lab in California...it can be between $2,000-$6,000. So about $8,000 for testing one group of 8 embryos. Since it's an outside lab, you do not get your testing money back for the money back guarantee...just the biopsy money.
My RE said that they do not receive the gender information from the company because they believe it's unethical for them to give that to us. He said in the past people would say "I don't care if it's a boy or girl." Then when their testing showed all girls, they would say "Discard all of those because we only want boys."
Yeah those people are idiots. He said that if you had a gender issue medically for reasons of passing on certain traits that are life threatening, than that is a different story.
I don't care if it's a boy or girl. I am just devastated. I cannot believe this has happened a third time. My heart is so broken. I just want a baby so badly.
I deleted my pregnancy app, put away all my organic shampoos and lotions, etc and deleted things from my calendar. I threw away my ultrasound sheet and embryo photo. I am repeating the same horrible events over and over.
I think after this, we are done. If all the embryos are abnormal, we are not going to pursue using donor sperm/egg. We will just get our money back and move on with our lives. It will be a difficult decision.
My RE said that people usually quit around the 3-4 fresh cycle time. He said they quit for different reasons, but after 4 fresh cycles the success rate decreases.
I'm glad that we have the money back guarantee at least. I never thought that this would happen to us.
I drove 4 hours home and took 2 Vicodin and napped. I literally was out like a light and heard my dog barking. There was my aunt at my door with a Dairy Queen peanut buster parfait. She had been doing my shots for she is an RN.
She was so upset. Then I got sad again. It just comes in waves.
I went over to visit my elderly neighbor...the one who gave me my first crocheting lesson and hook. I told her what happened.
I was able to talk to my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law as well.
Tomorrow I go to talk therapy at 11, pick up my parents at 3:30, and have a phone call with the testing lab woman at 6:00.
I got invited to go to my friend's twins baby shower and was supposed to RSVP by next week. I just texted her and said I can't go and be fake. I am going to send her my 2 boppy pillows with another co-worker who lives near her. She understood because she had 1 chemical, 2 miscarriages, and twins from Clomid.
Just sucks...this all sucks. This is my life.
I got up at 3 am to get showered and ready to drive 4 hours to Frederick, MD. I got there around 7:45 for an 8:30 a.m. appointment.
I was fine the entire time until I got into the exam room and on the table. I tried crocheting while I was on the exam table and I was trembling...I was so frightened.
My RE came in and I couldn't look at the mini ultrasound screen. I just looked away.
He put the probe in and after 10 seconds said:
"You must've passed it Julie."
Begin mental breakdown:
CRY CRY CRY SWEAR SWEAR YELL CRY SHAKE
"Why is this happening? I knew it last Monday when I was cramping and bleeding so much! I'll never get a baby!!!!"
I started shaking and rocking again. I just simply couldn't grasp this fact that my uterus was totally empty.
My RE just let me have my emotional breakdown while the nurse was rubbing my shoulder. I just couldn't help it. I began to yell and swear again and talk loudly.
He had time later and could talk to me at 9:30 after he'd done the morning monitoring. I could wait in his office while he did this and just relax.
I had to walk past the waiting room full of people and I'm hysterical, crying, and hyperventilating.
I took 2 anti-anxiety pills as soon as I hit his office. Another worker came in and kept rubbing my shoulder and asking me to calm down. I was shaking as I was drinking water.
Yeah, you calm down bitch. I hate when people say that.
I told her I needed a drink inferring an alcoholic one. She said "Well, you can now!" Yeah, lady this is not the time for funny quips. God, do people not know how to handle traumatic scenarios in the medical field? Shit
I called my husband 4 times because he was at work in New York. I called his brother too that is working with him. They weren't able to answer their phones.
My mom and dad are still in Arizona visiting my sister and they are 3 hours behind. It would've been 5:30 am there and I called her anyway.
"Mom the baby's dead! There's nothing in there! I miscarried it last week when I was bleeding & cramping so much!"
"Oh my god Julie.....I'm so sorry.....Oh my...."
I tried my husband again. I called his sister that was at work. She was soooo upset.
I ended up getting ahold of my husband and he was so sad. He just kept saying how sorry he was this happened.
I just started crying so much he could barely understand me. He asked me if I wanted him to come home from New York, but I told him no. My parents are coming home from AZ tomorrow and I just wanted to be alone.
The RE ended up coming into his office around 10:00 a.m. We got my husband on speaker phone. Here's what he said:
1. Get your HCG to go down.
2. Won't need a D&C unless that number doesn't go down and there could be remnants leftover.
And with the next cycle?
Well, according to the Shared Risk contract, I must use the frozen embryos before any fresh cycles. However, my RE said that they look at that as an individual patient basis and he will bring it up to the committee our story: 2 chromosomal flukes, and this natural miscarriage which we can't test, but most likely chromosomal. So our batch of 4 embryos had 3 that were abnormal for sure. He said that usually it's 50% abnormal vs. normal, but stats can vary.
He thinks the committee will approve this scenario:
- Get on birth control & saline sono.
- Start a fresh cycle with stimming.
- After the retrieval, test all the embryos plus the last frozen one.
- Then freeze them all.
- Get on PIO and Delestrogen IM shots.
- Do a frozen transfer with 1 normal embryo.
The testing is going to be a lot: it's $1,500 just for Shady Grove to biopsy up to 8 embryos. Then you pay additional fees to the lab in California...it can be between $2,000-$6,000. So about $8,000 for testing one group of 8 embryos. Since it's an outside lab, you do not get your testing money back for the money back guarantee...just the biopsy money.
My RE said that they do not receive the gender information from the company because they believe it's unethical for them to give that to us. He said in the past people would say "I don't care if it's a boy or girl." Then when their testing showed all girls, they would say "Discard all of those because we only want boys."
Yeah those people are idiots. He said that if you had a gender issue medically for reasons of passing on certain traits that are life threatening, than that is a different story.
I don't care if it's a boy or girl. I am just devastated. I cannot believe this has happened a third time. My heart is so broken. I just want a baby so badly.
I deleted my pregnancy app, put away all my organic shampoos and lotions, etc and deleted things from my calendar. I threw away my ultrasound sheet and embryo photo. I am repeating the same horrible events over and over.
I think after this, we are done. If all the embryos are abnormal, we are not going to pursue using donor sperm/egg. We will just get our money back and move on with our lives. It will be a difficult decision.
My RE said that people usually quit around the 3-4 fresh cycle time. He said they quit for different reasons, but after 4 fresh cycles the success rate decreases.
I'm glad that we have the money back guarantee at least. I never thought that this would happen to us.
I drove 4 hours home and took 2 Vicodin and napped. I literally was out like a light and heard my dog barking. There was my aunt at my door with a Dairy Queen peanut buster parfait. She had been doing my shots for she is an RN.
She was so upset. Then I got sad again. It just comes in waves.
I went over to visit my elderly neighbor...the one who gave me my first crocheting lesson and hook. I told her what happened.
I was able to talk to my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law as well.
Tomorrow I go to talk therapy at 11, pick up my parents at 3:30, and have a phone call with the testing lab woman at 6:00.
I got invited to go to my friend's twins baby shower and was supposed to RSVP by next week. I just texted her and said I can't go and be fake. I am going to send her my 2 boppy pillows with another co-worker who lives near her. She understood because she had 1 chemical, 2 miscarriages, and twins from Clomid.
Just sucks...this all sucks. This is my life.
1st HCG after miscarriage
I had a talk therapy appointment today and made the decision to get back on my Ativan and Prozac.
I read that 1% of all miscarriages are 3 or more. Now we are in the "classic" recurrent pregnancy loss group.
My HCG yesterday was 172. I am pleased with that number.
I think it will be 2 more weeks before it is under 5 and negative.
I called my local RE's office in Wexford and spoke with the head nurse. I did my IUI cycles there and IVF monitoring since it was closer to home. I hated how they opened at 7:00 for blood, but 7:40 for ultrasound.
I asked her if they can do ultrasounds at 7:00 a.m. I wouldn't need to take half a day off of work for a 3 minute folly check. She said that she can get the new ultrasound girl to come in then. I don't see why not since it's the same time they open. I know that would help out a lot of people going there.
Want a good cry? Check out this poem I found on Pinterest.
I read that 1% of all miscarriages are 3 or more. Now we are in the "classic" recurrent pregnancy loss group.
My HCG yesterday was 172. I am pleased with that number.
I think it will be 2 more weeks before it is under 5 and negative.
I called my local RE's office in Wexford and spoke with the head nurse. I did my IUI cycles there and IVF monitoring since it was closer to home. I hated how they opened at 7:00 for blood, but 7:40 for ultrasound.
I asked her if they can do ultrasounds at 7:00 a.m. I wouldn't need to take half a day off of work for a 3 minute folly check. She said that she can get the new ultrasound girl to come in then. I don't see why not since it's the same time they open. I know that would help out a lot of people going there.
Want a good cry? Check out this poem I found on Pinterest.
IVIGen
So I asked my RE about getting approval for the fresh cycle & frozen embryo testing and he said the committee approved it! Yay!
I had a free phone consultation with a rep from IVIGen. They will be doing our PGS (Preimplantation Genetic Screening).
The cost is $2,525. This would be $2,150 for the testing and $375 for shipping. Shady Grove has a biopsy fee on top of that and it is $1,500.
We are looking at $4,025 to PGS up to 8 embryos. If there's more than 8, there is a $200 each fee. The payment is due a week before the embryos are sent. So you wouldn't know if you had more than 8 embryos, you'd just have to pay more earlier and then be reimbursed if you had less. She said that you could submit their sheet to your insurance and if you had coverage they could possibly reimburse you, but I highly doubt my insurance will cover anything. I'll try though.
The PGS will screen all fatal and non-fatal chromosomal abnormalities. Some fatal ones would be Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 8. Non-fatal would be Down's syndrome or Turners's syndrome for example.
Since I have an intermediate mutation of Fragile X, but it won't be passed onto my children, I can still pay extra for them to test for that. My grandchildren could have it though.
She said that at age 32, I am considered "middle-age". Yep! Crazy, but over 35 you are "advanced maternal age". She said that with my age, there is 50% chance for chromosomal abnormalities.
For ages 30-34 women, 86% will have at least one normal embryo. The more embryos you have, obviously, the better.
They cannot determine the origin of whether the egg or sperm caused the abnormality, but 95% of abnormalities are because of the egg.----Wow! That is something I didn't realize.
Now results are not 100% accurate. She said that there is a 1-2% chance of there being a false positive or false negative. This means that they could say the embryo was abnormal, but it was normal and vice versa.
Once the biopsies are submitted, there's a 7 day wait for the results unless you are doing a fresh transfer and you would pay an additional shipping fee for them to be overnighted.
They still recommend you do a CVS or Amniocentesis, but there is a 1% miscarriage rate with those.
Since we do not have any chromosomal issues in our karyotypes, I'm hoping we find a few normal embryos.
I had a free phone consultation with a rep from IVIGen. They will be doing our PGS (Preimplantation Genetic Screening).
The cost is $2,525. This would be $2,150 for the testing and $375 for shipping. Shady Grove has a biopsy fee on top of that and it is $1,500.
We are looking at $4,025 to PGS up to 8 embryos. If there's more than 8, there is a $200 each fee. The payment is due a week before the embryos are sent. So you wouldn't know if you had more than 8 embryos, you'd just have to pay more earlier and then be reimbursed if you had less. She said that you could submit their sheet to your insurance and if you had coverage they could possibly reimburse you, but I highly doubt my insurance will cover anything. I'll try though.
The PGS will screen all fatal and non-fatal chromosomal abnormalities. Some fatal ones would be Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 8. Non-fatal would be Down's syndrome or Turners's syndrome for example.
Since I have an intermediate mutation of Fragile X, but it won't be passed onto my children, I can still pay extra for them to test for that. My grandchildren could have it though.
She said that at age 32, I am considered "middle-age". Yep! Crazy, but over 35 you are "advanced maternal age". She said that with my age, there is 50% chance for chromosomal abnormalities.
For ages 30-34 women, 86% will have at least one normal embryo. The more embryos you have, obviously, the better.
They cannot determine the origin of whether the egg or sperm caused the abnormality, but 95% of abnormalities are because of the egg.----Wow! That is something I didn't realize.
Now results are not 100% accurate. She said that there is a 1-2% chance of there being a false positive or false negative. This means that they could say the embryo was abnormal, but it was normal and vice versa.
Once the biopsies are submitted, there's a 7 day wait for the results unless you are doing a fresh transfer and you would pay an additional shipping fee for them to be overnighted.
They still recommend you do a CVS or Amniocentesis, but there is a 1% miscarriage rate with those.
Since we do not have any chromosomal issues in our karyotypes, I'm hoping we find a few normal embryos.
August 21st - 24th
The last couple of days have been hard mainly due to the cramping. It is getting so bad I'm taking Vicodin. I'm bleeding like normal period. I called the nurses at Shady Grove and she said that it's most likely not a real period and just the body trying to regulate it's self.
I go tomorrow for a 2nd HCG. I really hope it is under 5, but I'm not counting on that.
Friday I had my first day back at school for inservice. The day went by quickly I thought. I did go home and take a nap.
Ever since I posted on FB my post "What to say when someone loses a child", I must say that I've gotten great feedback about putting myself out there. Friends have said I'm being courageous. I like that...I myself would've never thought of it that way, so it was cool to hear them say that. Also, I've heard from people that have lost children and were happy to see someone write about it. I've received a lot of texts and gone out to dinners and lunches with friends who are concerned and want me to feel better. This socialization does make me feel better.
So today, August 24th, would be day 14 after the miscarriage. I just really want to get back on BC and get this fresh cycle started.
I ordered another baby feet heart from eBay. This one is in white for I didn't know the baby's gender. I will be getting my tattoo updated on August 27th.
I go tomorrow for a 2nd HCG. I really hope it is under 5, but I'm not counting on that.
Friday I had my first day back at school for inservice. The day went by quickly I thought. I did go home and take a nap.
Ever since I posted on FB my post "What to say when someone loses a child", I must say that I've gotten great feedback about putting myself out there. Friends have said I'm being courageous. I like that...I myself would've never thought of it that way, so it was cool to hear them say that. Also, I've heard from people that have lost children and were happy to see someone write about it. I've received a lot of texts and gone out to dinners and lunches with friends who are concerned and want me to feel better. This socialization does make me feel better.
So today, August 24th, would be day 14 after the miscarriage. I just really want to get back on BC and get this fresh cycle started.
I ordered another baby feet heart from eBay. This one is in white for I didn't know the baby's gender. I will be getting my tattoo updated on August 27th.
2nd HCG
Today, August 25th, I had my HCG checked and it was only 22! Yay!!! They are hoping that next Monday it should be under 5 and then my real period will begin.