Catching up on therapy
I had a chance to make it to therapy. I hadn't been able to go due to my work and coaching schedule. But I had an OB appointment and then therapy right after.
It was great to go and let out some long standing feelings!
I must say that I've been feeling bitter still...yes, even when others tell me they're pregnant...and yes, even if they have struggled.
I find myself upset when others can share so easily on Facebook that they are expecting.
And I found myself shaking my head when others tell me what they are doing/buying for their future baby...especially when they're in their first trimester.
Then I found myself crying at the session...I usually cry at therapy, but tonight I was crying because I felt like a bad person. I felt like someone who couldn't be happy for anyone else. I'm judging others because I'm scared as hell that shit is going to hit the fan again.
She asked me if I was feeling this way because I saw their happiness as blind and ignorant.
Yes, I did....and I told her it is because they don't realize how quickly that can fall apart...how quickly you can go from happy to horrified and sad.
In my mind, they are happy and free...to have never lost a baby.
She said I'm in the middle of 2 sides of the spectrum: I have many friends who have never lost a baby, but have struggled. Then on the other side, I have my friends who have had stillborns.
I don't have any close relationships with anyone that's struggled for years, lost 3, did IVF several times, then got pregnant and so far so good.
My therapist said I'm feeling alone and bitter because I am having a hard time relating to those who've experienced the things that I have.
That shit will be on my mind forever...I know even after I have him, I will always, always, always remember what it was like to have something so very important and valuable...but then get it ripped away.
I do feel mainly like this towards those who have never lost...not that I'm stupid enough to think that those infertile people never realize it could happen, but it's the fact that they have NEVER had it happen.
And here I am: anxious and scared that it will happen again.
A friend of mine sent this article to me: People Have Misconceptions about Miscarriage. I found this quote to really touch my feelings:
"If you've had a healthy pregnancy that went full term — you won a lottery. Short of obvious substance abuse and bull riding — your healthy baby is not the result of anything you did or didn't do. As much as you want to think you are in control — you aren't."
My therapist said I'm feeling like I don't belong to the pregnancy club either and those emotions are a lot to handle.
Ummm, yeah definitely don't see myself as EVER fitting in completely.
Once you've spent so many years on the outside looking in, then get into the club, then get your pass revoked, then that happens several times, you're bound to get your emotions messed up for a while.
It's too surreal still: I cannot fully fit in anywhere.
In my mind, I'm infertile...I'm a recurrent pregnancy loss survivor...I'm stuck between the worlds of RE and OB.
I must be honest here on my blog for I do know others feel the same way: this road is so long and winding...it's a true mind fuck.
It was great to go and let out some long standing feelings!
I must say that I've been feeling bitter still...yes, even when others tell me they're pregnant...and yes, even if they have struggled.
I find myself upset when others can share so easily on Facebook that they are expecting.
And I found myself shaking my head when others tell me what they are doing/buying for their future baby...especially when they're in their first trimester.
Then I found myself crying at the session...I usually cry at therapy, but tonight I was crying because I felt like a bad person. I felt like someone who couldn't be happy for anyone else. I'm judging others because I'm scared as hell that shit is going to hit the fan again.
She asked me if I was feeling this way because I saw their happiness as blind and ignorant.
Yes, I did....and I told her it is because they don't realize how quickly that can fall apart...how quickly you can go from happy to horrified and sad.
In my mind, they are happy and free...to have never lost a baby.
She said I'm in the middle of 2 sides of the spectrum: I have many friends who have never lost a baby, but have struggled. Then on the other side, I have my friends who have had stillborns.
I don't have any close relationships with anyone that's struggled for years, lost 3, did IVF several times, then got pregnant and so far so good.
My therapist said I'm feeling alone and bitter because I am having a hard time relating to those who've experienced the things that I have.
That shit will be on my mind forever...I know even after I have him, I will always, always, always remember what it was like to have something so very important and valuable...but then get it ripped away.
I do feel mainly like this towards those who have never lost...not that I'm stupid enough to think that those infertile people never realize it could happen, but it's the fact that they have NEVER had it happen.
And here I am: anxious and scared that it will happen again.
A friend of mine sent this article to me: People Have Misconceptions about Miscarriage. I found this quote to really touch my feelings:
"If you've had a healthy pregnancy that went full term — you won a lottery. Short of obvious substance abuse and bull riding — your healthy baby is not the result of anything you did or didn't do. As much as you want to think you are in control — you aren't."
My therapist said I'm feeling like I don't belong to the pregnancy club either and those emotions are a lot to handle.
Ummm, yeah definitely don't see myself as EVER fitting in completely.
Once you've spent so many years on the outside looking in, then get into the club, then get your pass revoked, then that happens several times, you're bound to get your emotions messed up for a while.
It's too surreal still: I cannot fully fit in anywhere.
In my mind, I'm infertile...I'm a recurrent pregnancy loss survivor...I'm stuck between the worlds of RE and OB.
I must be honest here on my blog for I do know others feel the same way: this road is so long and winding...it's a true mind fuck.
Pregnancy symptoms
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I'm 24 weeks and for the last 2 weeks, I've had swollen feet and ankles. I get checked for preeclampsia twice a month, so I know I don't have that.
My tootsies are already size 11 wide and now the right foot is really hurting. They hurt on top more than on the bottoms.
When I get home from coaching, I put them up and lay on the couch. Tonight, I did an ice bath and hope to include that into my routine.
I bought a cat litter box and used that while sitting on the edge of the tub.
I have also increased the amount of water that I'm drinking too. Of course, I'm going to be asking my OB about it to make sure.
My tootsies are already size 11 wide and now the right foot is really hurting. They hurt on top more than on the bottoms.
When I get home from coaching, I put them up and lay on the couch. Tonight, I did an ice bath and hope to include that into my routine.
I bought a cat litter box and used that while sitting on the edge of the tub.
I have also increased the amount of water that I'm drinking too. Of course, I'm going to be asking my OB about it to make sure.
For sleeping, I have been using a pillow between my legs and a wedge pillow under my belly. I am a stomach sleeper and since you can't sleep like that, I had to make accommodations.
Some people have asked if I'm showing or if others find out I'm pregnant, I get the "You don't look pregnant!"
Well, I am pretty fucking tall and big to begin with! However, I feel like now I kinda am showing more of a pregnancy belly than just belly. Although last week, a waitress asked if I wanted to try a margarita. lol
I use the Palmer's oil and lotions for the stretch marks. I know genetics play a huge part of this and if your mom and sister got stretch marks (like mine did), then you'll probably have them too.
It probably won't do shit, but might as well do it.
I am getting really, really itchy on the stretch marks on my tummy, so I've been using Aveeno's lotion. I always use Aveeno lotion after I shave my legs because it stays on long and soothes itching.
Well, I am pretty fucking tall and big to begin with! However, I feel like now I kinda am showing more of a pregnancy belly than just belly. Although last week, a waitress asked if I wanted to try a margarita. lol
I use the Palmer's oil and lotions for the stretch marks. I know genetics play a huge part of this and if your mom and sister got stretch marks (like mine did), then you'll probably have them too.
It probably won't do shit, but might as well do it.
I am getting really, really itchy on the stretch marks on my tummy, so I've been using Aveeno's lotion. I always use Aveeno lotion after I shave my legs because it stays on long and soothes itching.
OB appointment---24 weeks, 5 days
Everything went well again! My blood pressure was 131 over something. My weight was 272.8, so I hadn't gained really anything in the last 2 weeks.
My fundal height was 29 weeks and his heartbeat was in the 130's and 140's.
I asked my OB about my feet swelling and she said that it's very common. I told her that there is pain too and she said that swelling pain is usually tight. My pain is not tight.
She said the swelling could've hit a nerve to cause pain...now I only feel pain when I touch it mainly. It's the right foot and she said typically swelling is unilateral.
There's nothing else I can do about that because I am already doing what I'm supposed to do as far as increasing water intake, elevating, icing, etc.
The baby is very active and I feel him a lot. My OB said around 26-27 weeks I will do a non-fetal stress test, one hour glucose test, and anemia blood draw.
Type 2 Diabetes runs very prevalently on my mother's side: my mom, my aunt, my grandma, and other cousins have it. My OB said that still factor in for gestational diabetes. Like if I get gestational diabetes, I'm 5 times more likely to get diabetes when I get older.
My fundal height was 29 weeks and his heartbeat was in the 130's and 140's.
I asked my OB about my feet swelling and she said that it's very common. I told her that there is pain too and she said that swelling pain is usually tight. My pain is not tight.
She said the swelling could've hit a nerve to cause pain...now I only feel pain when I touch it mainly. It's the right foot and she said typically swelling is unilateral.
There's nothing else I can do about that because I am already doing what I'm supposed to do as far as increasing water intake, elevating, icing, etc.
The baby is very active and I feel him a lot. My OB said around 26-27 weeks I will do a non-fetal stress test, one hour glucose test, and anemia blood draw.
Type 2 Diabetes runs very prevalently on my mother's side: my mom, my aunt, my grandma, and other cousins have it. My OB said that still factor in for gestational diabetes. Like if I get gestational diabetes, I'm 5 times more likely to get diabetes when I get older.
High Risk OB appt---25 weeks, 3 days
I wasn't sure when I was going to get the non-fetal stress test: my OB had said that the high risk OB would let me know.
Well, I got my first one today. The nursing staff said that I would get one starting at 24 weeks and continue each visit. I did my blood pressure (108/70) and my weight 273 lbs.
Then I was directed to a room where I laid on the table...which ended up being too short for me lol. My legs hit the table in front of me!
They strapped 2 velcroed bands to my stomach and upper stomach area. Then they were was a circular heartbeat monitor that the nurse put on so she could hear his heartbeat.
Next to the table, there was a machine like an EKG, which I guess it was an EKG, that would monitor my heartbeat too.
I was to lay there for 15 minutes and if I didn't hear the heartbeat because he moved, my husband was to get the nurse so she could move it where the heartbeat could be recorded.
It was weird to lay there and try to be not stressed: I had to hold the circular monitor down because the heartbeat was louder if I did. Then when the heartbeat got fainter, I had to really concentrate on listening to make sure I could kinda hear it.
The nurses came in a few times to make sure I was feeling alright and that they could hear the beats. I had my husband take these photos lol.
Well, I got my first one today. The nursing staff said that I would get one starting at 24 weeks and continue each visit. I did my blood pressure (108/70) and my weight 273 lbs.
Then I was directed to a room where I laid on the table...which ended up being too short for me lol. My legs hit the table in front of me!
They strapped 2 velcroed bands to my stomach and upper stomach area. Then they were was a circular heartbeat monitor that the nurse put on so she could hear his heartbeat.
Next to the table, there was a machine like an EKG, which I guess it was an EKG, that would monitor my heartbeat too.
I was to lay there for 15 minutes and if I didn't hear the heartbeat because he moved, my husband was to get the nurse so she could move it where the heartbeat could be recorded.
It was weird to lay there and try to be not stressed: I had to hold the circular monitor down because the heartbeat was louder if I did. Then when the heartbeat got fainter, I had to really concentrate on listening to make sure I could kinda hear it.
The nurses came in a few times to make sure I was feeling alright and that they could hear the beats. I had my husband take these photos lol.
We went back into the waiting room to wait to see the doctor. There were these 2 cute little white blonde girls in there. They were playing and when I came in I heard the one girl say "She's got a baby in her belly too, Mommy!"
LOL!! That 3 year old was able to see a baby bump better than my waitress last week lol.
Not too much longer, we saw the doctor for the ultrasound. His machine is super high tech in that it automatically measured the body parts when he was focused on them: the other places I've been to had to drag a line from one end of the part to the other to measure.
This was super quick...I don't think I realized that last time since I was very worried about the placenta.
When he got to his head, he said "big head". Of course, I said "too big?". He said "no". Then I asked "What does a big head mean? Is that normal?" He said "big baby".
Well, shit you think you could've just said that after you said big head!
I'm glad I asked cuz if I didn't, I would've dwelled on that shit! So if you are in a position like that, ASK them what the hell they mean!!! LOL
He weighs 2 lbs now and measuring at 26w5d.
LOL!! That 3 year old was able to see a baby bump better than my waitress last week lol.
Not too much longer, we saw the doctor for the ultrasound. His machine is super high tech in that it automatically measured the body parts when he was focused on them: the other places I've been to had to drag a line from one end of the part to the other to measure.
This was super quick...I don't think I realized that last time since I was very worried about the placenta.
When he got to his head, he said "big head". Of course, I said "too big?". He said "no". Then I asked "What does a big head mean? Is that normal?" He said "big baby".
Well, shit you think you could've just said that after you said big head!
I'm glad I asked cuz if I didn't, I would've dwelled on that shit! So if you are in a position like that, ASK them what the hell they mean!!! LOL
He weighs 2 lbs now and measuring at 26w5d.
OB appointment at 26 weeks, 6 days
My weight was up to 276, so I've gained 23 pounds so far. As I obviously don't look pregnant, I don't know where the hell all those pounds went!
My blood pressure was good and I spent this appointment talking about all the testing that would be occurring in the next few weeks.
After 28 weeks, I am to get a RhoGAM Shot, glucose test, CBC with diff, Blood Type, Antibody Screen/Indirect Coombs tests. I am B negative and my OB does RhoGAM if you are negative...even if your partner is negative too. Click on the link to know more, but basically if the baby has Rh+ blood, my Rh- blood cells will produce antibodies to attack the Rh+ blood.
I will get the RhoGAM shot in the Labor and Delivery ward. I can do this after I get my blood drawn at the hospital lab. You have 72 hours to get the shot after you say you'll be there for it since it has to be mixed.
For the glucose test, I won't need to fast, but they don't want me chowing down on a bunch of sugary drinks and foods before I go. It will take one hour.
I am also to begin twice a week non-stress tests. I had one last time I was at the high risk OB, but these ones from my regular OB will be done at the hospital.
My blood pressure was good and I spent this appointment talking about all the testing that would be occurring in the next few weeks.
After 28 weeks, I am to get a RhoGAM Shot, glucose test, CBC with diff, Blood Type, Antibody Screen/Indirect Coombs tests. I am B negative and my OB does RhoGAM if you are negative...even if your partner is negative too. Click on the link to know more, but basically if the baby has Rh+ blood, my Rh- blood cells will produce antibodies to attack the Rh+ blood.
I will get the RhoGAM shot in the Labor and Delivery ward. I can do this after I get my blood drawn at the hospital lab. You have 72 hours to get the shot after you say you'll be there for it since it has to be mixed.
For the glucose test, I won't need to fast, but they don't want me chowing down on a bunch of sugary drinks and foods before I go. It will take one hour.
I am also to begin twice a week non-stress tests. I had one last time I was at the high risk OB, but these ones from my regular OB will be done at the hospital.
1st Non-stress Test at Hospital Maternity Ward
Because my OB wants me to do 2 a week and since it was Thursday and I had a rehearsal dinner and wedding to be in for Friday and Saturday, I called the Labor and Delivery ward to schedule a non-stress test (NST) at 8:00 pm.
I wasn't sure what to expect at the hospital, but surely it had to be the same as at the high risk OB, right?
Well, it kinda was and it kinda wasn't.
First off, I wasn't mentally prepared to be ON the Labor and Delivery wing. I instantly became anxious and then when I heard a baby cry...I was on edge.
Walking down the hallway I felt strange, out of place, and weird.
I had to buzz in to get into the wing, so that made me think even more like this is for 'select' people. Obviously you buzz in for safety reasons, but as an outsider looking in, it made me feel even more like I was someone who could never get in and now I have reason to.
The nurse met me in the hallway and said that my room wasn't ready and they needed a few minutes to tidy up. I was to wait in this itty bitty waiting room.
I walked in and there was 5 people in there...a family...waiting for another family member to give birth. I used the restroom in there and then when I came out and sat down, there was a man laying on a recliner. His shoes were off and his legs were up: he was in total comfort mode.
I sat down and looked up at the TV watching SVU and then I got the usual questions that begin:
"You here visiting someone?" he said.
"No, actually, I'm pregnant...even though I don't look like it." I laughed.
"Oh ok. Is this your first or do you have other children?" he added.
"Ummm...it's my 4th pregnancy for my 1st baby."
COMMENCE THE TEARS!
I became instantly overwhelmed by my environment, repressing feelings of anxiety, and now I'm here talking to a stranger about something I've fought, clawed, begged, and pleaded to get.
It was too much.
I kept crying and I could tell the family tensed up because (like most people) they weren't expecting the answer their question wanted.
I went into my spiel about everything. I just let it out and then I became less anxious! I was calm talking about my story and I know this can sound arrogant, but it helped me feel like I belonged.
I fucking fought my way to be here. I fucking deserve to be here now. I might not totally think that 100%, but I'll fake it.
The looks on their faces was one of total interest, surprise, and curiosity. They asked me questions and since I'm an open book, I answered all of them.
A younger woman in her 30's asked me if I got an amniocentesis or how I knew it was a boy before 16 weeks. I didn't feel like those questions were intrusive: I saw it as genuine interest and a deserve to be educated in something they truly had no clue about.
It was therapeutic! They shared with me that they had been in the hospital all day and were waiting for their niece to give birth. She just got married and they didn't know if it was a girl or boy.
I found myself unable to connect with that...I just think I'm too far gone into this infertility world, that I cannot relate to getting pregnant after a honeymoon, etc.
So I ended up being in that waiting room for 20 minutes! When the nurse came to get me, I told the people I felt like I got to really know them in the time I was there. They were very nice and wished me luck.
I left that waiting room totally fine.
The nurse walked me into the very large labor and delivery room.
I wasn't sure what to expect at the hospital, but surely it had to be the same as at the high risk OB, right?
Well, it kinda was and it kinda wasn't.
First off, I wasn't mentally prepared to be ON the Labor and Delivery wing. I instantly became anxious and then when I heard a baby cry...I was on edge.
Walking down the hallway I felt strange, out of place, and weird.
I had to buzz in to get into the wing, so that made me think even more like this is for 'select' people. Obviously you buzz in for safety reasons, but as an outsider looking in, it made me feel even more like I was someone who could never get in and now I have reason to.
The nurse met me in the hallway and said that my room wasn't ready and they needed a few minutes to tidy up. I was to wait in this itty bitty waiting room.
I walked in and there was 5 people in there...a family...waiting for another family member to give birth. I used the restroom in there and then when I came out and sat down, there was a man laying on a recliner. His shoes were off and his legs were up: he was in total comfort mode.
I sat down and looked up at the TV watching SVU and then I got the usual questions that begin:
"You here visiting someone?" he said.
"No, actually, I'm pregnant...even though I don't look like it." I laughed.
"Oh ok. Is this your first or do you have other children?" he added.
"Ummm...it's my 4th pregnancy for my 1st baby."
COMMENCE THE TEARS!
I became instantly overwhelmed by my environment, repressing feelings of anxiety, and now I'm here talking to a stranger about something I've fought, clawed, begged, and pleaded to get.
It was too much.
I kept crying and I could tell the family tensed up because (like most people) they weren't expecting the answer their question wanted.
I went into my spiel about everything. I just let it out and then I became less anxious! I was calm talking about my story and I know this can sound arrogant, but it helped me feel like I belonged.
I fucking fought my way to be here. I fucking deserve to be here now. I might not totally think that 100%, but I'll fake it.
The looks on their faces was one of total interest, surprise, and curiosity. They asked me questions and since I'm an open book, I answered all of them.
A younger woman in her 30's asked me if I got an amniocentesis or how I knew it was a boy before 16 weeks. I didn't feel like those questions were intrusive: I saw it as genuine interest and a deserve to be educated in something they truly had no clue about.
It was therapeutic! They shared with me that they had been in the hospital all day and were waiting for their niece to give birth. She just got married and they didn't know if it was a girl or boy.
I found myself unable to connect with that...I just think I'm too far gone into this infertility world, that I cannot relate to getting pregnant after a honeymoon, etc.
So I ended up being in that waiting room for 20 minutes! When the nurse came to get me, I told the people I felt like I got to really know them in the time I was there. They were very nice and wished me luck.
I left that waiting room totally fine.
The nurse walked me into the very large labor and delivery room.
The bed was huge! It had a shower in the bathroom and a very large vanity counter. There were several chairs and a recliner in the room. There was a shit ton of space in front of me. The bed was very wide and long...I love long beds! She nurse gave me a band to wear around my stomach..pretty much like a bella band. She was going to give me size Large and I told her that since I'm big to begin with, give me the XL.
I put the band under my shirt and she came back in and hook me up to the monitor. She put one where she could hear his heartbeat and there was another one to monitor my heartbeat.
She then moved the band around so it put pressure on the monitor's position. We went over all the primary questions for my surgical past and pregnancy past.
The nurse...like all nurses..had a hard time typing in my hip surgeries because well, not everyone knows how to spell femero-acetabular osteoplasty. lol
She said the NST's last about 30 minutes and if he wasn't making a lot of movements due to being on sleep cycle, I would be there longer.
There was tv on, so I was watching a game show. She came back in to check on me and then said I'd have to stay longer since he wasn't as active as they like. She said if I drank something sugary, it would help make him active. She said babies are like little kids with sugar: they get hyper.
She made me a cranberry juice and ginger ale mix and boy, was she right! He started kicking around once I started drinking it!
All and all, I was doing the NST from 8:20-9:45 pm. It wasn't a big deal because I was comfy. She said next time I come, it would be quicker since I wouldn't need to answer any questions.
I put the band under my shirt and she came back in and hook me up to the monitor. She put one where she could hear his heartbeat and there was another one to monitor my heartbeat.
She then moved the band around so it put pressure on the monitor's position. We went over all the primary questions for my surgical past and pregnancy past.
The nurse...like all nurses..had a hard time typing in my hip surgeries because well, not everyone knows how to spell femero-acetabular osteoplasty. lol
She said the NST's last about 30 minutes and if he wasn't making a lot of movements due to being on sleep cycle, I would be there longer.
There was tv on, so I was watching a game show. She came back in to check on me and then said I'd have to stay longer since he wasn't as active as they like. She said if I drank something sugary, it would help make him active. She said babies are like little kids with sugar: they get hyper.
She made me a cranberry juice and ginger ale mix and boy, was she right! He started kicking around once I started drinking it!
All and all, I was doing the NST from 8:20-9:45 pm. It wasn't a big deal because I was comfy. She said next time I come, it would be quicker since I wouldn't need to answer any questions.
3rd trimester and Bridesmaid time
Yay!!!! It's Friday, May 29th and I'm in the 3rd trimester today at 27 weeks! Awesome!!!
Tonight I have my best friend's rehearsal and dinner. My best friends are twins and one of them is getting married tomorrow and the other is getting married in November.
If you recall, I had a hard time getting my dress last Thanksgiving because I didn't know if I would get pregnant from the FET. Spending $230 on the dress was shitty too!
So I'm a size 16 and the sales woman suggested I buy a 22.
I'm glad I did...it fits just fine (besides being majorly long!!!! Like made for a NBA basketball player long!). It's a teeny bit snug on my belly, but not much at all. Here's a pic: as you can see, I don't look 27 weeks pregnant. That's what being 6 feet tall and 253 lbs when I got pregnant do! Do I look 276 lbs? I don't think so, but weight's just a number to me since I'm larger framed.
Tonight I have my best friend's rehearsal and dinner. My best friends are twins and one of them is getting married tomorrow and the other is getting married in November.
If you recall, I had a hard time getting my dress last Thanksgiving because I didn't know if I would get pregnant from the FET. Spending $230 on the dress was shitty too!
So I'm a size 16 and the sales woman suggested I buy a 22.
I'm glad I did...it fits just fine (besides being majorly long!!!! Like made for a NBA basketball player long!). It's a teeny bit snug on my belly, but not much at all. Here's a pic: as you can see, I don't look 27 weeks pregnant. That's what being 6 feet tall and 253 lbs when I got pregnant do! Do I look 276 lbs? I don't think so, but weight's just a number to me since I'm larger framed.