1 Tiny Embryo
It's the month of Val's transfer...his transversary!
I went from 12 embryos to 2 on day 5. I was pissed, angry, sad, and anxious.
I wanted to give up because I fucking KNEW none would be normal. I had 1 more embryo waiting to divide and 1 left over frozen.
4 embryos ended up being sent out.... and 1 normal one...embryo #1 too. Grade AA hatching blastocyst.
I transferred Val on December 10th...my husband's birthday. I held my breath every day until December 23rd. I opted not to get the phone call for the beta because it was the last day of school and everyone was happy and ready for Christmas.
I just didn't want to cry at school when the news could be shitty. I knew if they called and left a voicemail, I just couldn't NOT call back.
I opted for Shady Grove to call my husband instead.
And I told him to not tell me until I came into the house. And he told me that the lab didn't send the results to Shady Grove.
First thing I said "Those motherfuckers!!" and I stomped off saying "Did they end up sending it?"
Of course, that was all a lie and they did send the results and I was pregnant.
I went from 12 embryos to 2 on day 5. I was pissed, angry, sad, and anxious.
I wanted to give up because I fucking KNEW none would be normal. I had 1 more embryo waiting to divide and 1 left over frozen.
4 embryos ended up being sent out.... and 1 normal one...embryo #1 too. Grade AA hatching blastocyst.
I transferred Val on December 10th...my husband's birthday. I held my breath every day until December 23rd. I opted not to get the phone call for the beta because it was the last day of school and everyone was happy and ready for Christmas.
I just didn't want to cry at school when the news could be shitty. I knew if they called and left a voicemail, I just couldn't NOT call back.
I opted for Shady Grove to call my husband instead.
And I told him to not tell me until I came into the house. And he told me that the lab didn't send the results to Shady Grove.
First thing I said "Those motherfuckers!!" and I stomped off saying "Did they end up sending it?"
Of course, that was all a lie and they did send the results and I was pregnant.
My Stances
Talking with different new mom friends it's interesting to hear and see so much that makes you different.
I know not everything is black and white, but I do have some strong opinions on stuff.
You don't really feel like you do until you're chatting with people who do what you don't do. lol
If you have strong opinions and get questioned by family or friends about them, my suggestion is just to state why you feel that way. Don't try to change their opinion if it's the opposite.
The areas of gray are everywhere...I look towards a balanced approach at some things.
Here's some things I have firm feelings towards:
Things I'm more neutral on:
I know not everything is black and white, but I do have some strong opinions on stuff.
You don't really feel like you do until you're chatting with people who do what you don't do. lol
If you have strong opinions and get questioned by family or friends about them, my suggestion is just to state why you feel that way. Don't try to change their opinion if it's the opposite.
The areas of gray are everywhere...I look towards a balanced approach at some things.
Here's some things I have firm feelings towards:
- Circumcision: I am VERY anti-circumcision. 90% of the men in the world are not circumcised. I don't even want to look up any the surgical images, but let's just say it is not something you would want to see happen to a little baby. It's barbaric and disgusting. Infants have died from the surgery getting botched. They get infections from trying to heal and peeing at the same time. Do you really want to inflict pain onto your baby on purpose? What are you worried about? If you think it's not hygienic, that is a myth: penises can be clean with extra skin! They just pull it back gently. The extra skin on a penis is supposed to be there and basically doing plastic surgery by removing it. If you are worried your baby will look "different" then what the hell? What strangers are looking at his penis? Surely you are not worried about locker room stuff because they are many other men who are not circumcised and on the big list of things to worry about...futures in the locker room shouldn't be on it.
- Pacifiers: I am anti-pacifiers. They don't exist to me. I hate the way they look in babies mouths honestly. I feel they take away from their smiles. Babies have had the sucking reflex since womb time. Most likely, your baby sucked their fingers or thumb in the womb. People give infants a plastic device when they are fussy as opposed to finding out the reason they are fussy. Infants who self-soothe sleep longer because they don't need an adult to put the pacifier back into their mouth. Babies cope with stresses by self-soothing. Are you worried your thumb sucker will ruin their teeth? It's only a problem when permanent teeth come in and your child is still sucking...but 94% of babies stop sucking their thumbs by age 1. Are you worried your toddler will be perceived as more immature? Dr. Greene has this terrific article.
- Bed Sharing: I am VERY anti-bed sharing. This is when you sleep in bed with your child. Bed sharing and co-sleeping are different: co-sleeping is when your child sleeps in their crib that is in your room. Bed sharing is EXTREMELY dangerous. I don't care how much people say it's easier to breastfeed or you're closer to your child: you can kill your child. I seriously know a family that had that happen. Imagine that happening to you. Could you live with yourself? When I sleep, I am konked out, toss and turn, and wake up multiple times. Beds are for sleeping. It is NOT hard to put your child in their crib. And to add to that, my mother told me that my great-grandmother smothered her child by accident when she was breastfeeding in bed cuz she fell asleep. So do not fall asleep while breastfeeding. Slap yourself in the face, listen to upbeat music with headphones, watch something interesting...anything you can to avoid having the worst event of your life occurring by your own fault.
- Schedules: Let's be honest, having a routine is good. You get up, shower, eat breakfast, etc. With a baby, you cannot have a concrete schedule and be a stickler about it. The baby has to eat at 9 am or the baby has to play at 2 pm. Nope, nope, nope. He does want he wants when he wants. He eats when he's hungry and the only thing I adhere to, is changing his diaper every 2-2.5 hours unless I hear him poop, then that gets changed immediately. I get up at 6:45 am now to shower, eat breakfast, let the dog out, feed the dog, etc. Once I go back to work, I know that will change and I will adapt.
- Leaving your child in swings/rock n plays/car seats while you clean the house or work out: I know you deserve "me" time after having a baby, but if you are putting your kid down into equipment for longer than 20 minutes to clean or workout, I feel that's a problem. Not only do you risk giving your child a flat spot on their head, but also you are not actively engaged with him. I'm home by myself all day and night while my husband works out of the state. He comes home once a month for a weekend. My parents visit 3-4 times a week for about 2-3 hours and that helps because I end up getting more things done like laundry, taking the dog outside, etc. Do I cook? Well its just me at home and sometimes I do but, I'm not making big elaborate meals. If I had more kids or a husband to cook for then maybe I would. Do I work out? Sometimes I lift weights, do pushups, and ab exercises while Val is laying on his activity mat. I limit myself to 10 minutes. I do not do cardio. I do not "clean" the house. I didn't clean often before he was here anyways. I'm not that vain that I must do cardio and he just lays there watching me. I don't feel you can really work out with a baby in your hands either as some videos suggest. If you want a workout then you should do it when someone else is home to watch them or when they are asleep for the night. I don't work out when he goes to bed at night because I go to sleep too. I just love to sleep and will take as much as I can. I can't trust that Val is going to nap for 2 minutes or 2 hours. Most often it's 15 minutes on my lap after nursing and I just watch tv. I don't really care about losing weight, my house being orderly or tidy...I care about my baby's development because he won't be this little for long. Soon enough, he'll be running around and I won't get a lot of cuddle time.
- Do what works for you and your child: I certainly don't know everything, but when Val was first breastfeeding, he was doing it very frequently. The first weeks it was sometimes 20-22 times a day. That first month it averaged to 14 times a day, then next month it was 12, then 3rd month it was 10. I was told by several people that he "nursed too much". I was told by people who bottle fed that I should use bottles. I was told by people who pumped that I should be pumping more. Pacifier moms told me I should give him a pacifier. If he fussed, I was told to put him down or leave him alone. Those comments didn't change my mind. I also took it with a grain of salt because the people telling me to pump were pumpers that didn't breastfeed ever. They didn't know the other side. I wasn't angry: I just understood they were used to that and I was used to this. They couldn't grasp why he nursed frequently because their experiences weren't the same. What did change my mind were good suggestions from well-meaning people. During the first 3 weeks, I had Val's pack and play in the living room while I slept on the couch. My friend suggested that I move it into my bedroom and sleep on the bed. Duhhhhh that makes sense! So I did. She was coming from a place that was trying to be helpful and not forcing parenting things on me.
Things I'm more neutral on:
- Breastmilk or formula: I love breastfeeding. I love the bonding and the nutrients he gets from my milk. I was a formula baby...in fact all my siblings were too since my older sister was colicky, my mom said it was very hard for her to breastfeed. So she didn't try with us. My siblings and I were hardly sick, we all did well in school and all were over 5'8". Formula didn't stunt our growth or make us malnourished. I feel badly for women who can't produce enough milk because formula is expensive. Before Val was here, I wanted to breastfeed only because I thought it was best for Val, it was free, it makes you so bonded with your baby and my husband wanted me too. And because I did not force myself into a hole where this is what I'm gonna do no matter what, breastfeeding was demanding, but easier than I thought. I didn't have this pressure on myself that I might fail, he might not latch or I might not make enough milk. I just went with it and it's working out beautifully. I plan on breastfeeding for a year. I will have my mom give him bottles of my milk while I'm at work and nurse when I get home. I intend on pumping at school and using that milk to give him the next day while I'm gone. I'll write more about this when I start doing it in January.
- Sleep training: Cry it Out or Don't: Val slept through the night starting around 2 months. I had people ask me how I did it. The answer: I didn't do anything different. I nurse him when he's hungry and it just happened. If he were to cry in the middle of the night, I'd wake up and nurse him. Could it be luck? Probably. Could it be that he sucks his thumb back to sleep if he gets a little pissy? Of course. Could it be that is just was part of HIS natural childhood development? Most likely. I feel if you are forcing your child into a schedule, you are making his life better for you in a way that is not conducive to his growth and development. It is what it is and getting over structure will make your baby happier. Now when he gets older and has to go to a separate room to sleep, he might not need to be nursed and the cry it out method is what is suggested by some. I know I'm not there yet, so I'll tackle that when it happens. Here's an interesting article on that and I like this quote: "Michael Commons, Harvard University assistant professor of psychiatry, and Patrice Miller, Salem State University psychology professor, have even speculated that the American and Northern European inclination to promote early independence (for example, expecting infants to sleep in a crib in a separate room and leaving them to cry rather than co-sleeping and consoling them anytime they are upset) may contribute to a greater risk of post-traumatic stress disorder later in life."
Val is 4 months old!
Ughhhhh
I had my pap done again in November because last year it came back as abnormal: HGSIL (high grade) and it was recommended I do a colposcopy, but since the transfer was on December 10th, my OB/GYN said I could wait until after the pregnancy to see if things had changed.
Well they did, but not in a good way really.
I got a call that the pap was showing a high grade squamous intraepithelial lesion (HGSIL) and I need a colposcopy in January to check what is going on with that tissue in there.
The colposcopy is done in the office without any numbing or anesthesia. Ughhhhhhhhhh
I will be getting in done on December 9. I can take up to 800mg of Motrin an hour before.
Cutting out parts from my cervix is gonna be soooooooooo painful!!!
If the sampling comes back as abnormal still, I would need to either get the area frozen or cut out more with a LEEP procedure.
My sister had a colposcopy done and she said it was painful but not crazy painful. My friends that are twins both needed to have a LEEP or cryo to get the abnormal tissue removed.
All of them since haven't had any problems with it being abnormal again and get pap smears more often.
Like I always say, ask your doctor's to provide you with the lab results so you can have it in your own hands.
Well they did, but not in a good way really.
I got a call that the pap was showing a high grade squamous intraepithelial lesion (HGSIL) and I need a colposcopy in January to check what is going on with that tissue in there.
The colposcopy is done in the office without any numbing or anesthesia. Ughhhhhhhhhh
I will be getting in done on December 9. I can take up to 800mg of Motrin an hour before.
Cutting out parts from my cervix is gonna be soooooooooo painful!!!
If the sampling comes back as abnormal still, I would need to either get the area frozen or cut out more with a LEEP procedure.
My sister had a colposcopy done and she said it was painful but not crazy painful. My friends that are twins both needed to have a LEEP or cryo to get the abnormal tissue removed.
All of them since haven't had any problems with it being abnormal again and get pap smears more often.
Like I always say, ask your doctor's to provide you with the lab results so you can have it in your own hands.
Colposcopy
So I was extremely nervous for this colposcopy because it was not going to be under anesthesia.
I took one Ibrouprohen 800 at 9:30, for my 10:30 appointment.
Once in the exam room, I saw all these things out on the counter on on a side table.
Ughhhhhhhhhhh
This was happening!!
My OB-GYN came in and said that this was awful compared to the LEEP. She explained that 90% of women need a LEEP after the results come back.
If they come back as CIN 2 or 3, I will be put under anesthesia for the LEEP.
So, I had to get my feet into the stirrups with her putting the speculum in.
She told me every thing she did because I wanted her too and not be surprised.
She swabbed the inside with saline on a huge Q tip. This didn't hurt.
She took a brush looking thing and scraped inside of the cervix and that felt like she was cleaning it and didn't hurt.
She then put Ferric Subsulfate on the cervix and it was giving her an almost black light shine on the parts that appeared abnormal. She said that the acidic could feel burny, but it just felt cold to me.
She said she saw a Qtip sized area near the opening of the cervix. To her, that is small. I was thining pin prick would be small, but whatever.
She told the nurse that she was going to biopsy 12:00 and 4:00 in relation to where the spots were at. I
I tried to imagine those areas to see if I could feel it when she started.
She then inserted some device that was going to 'bite' out biopsies.
She said to cough and then that would push the cervix out and then she would get the biopsy.
I asked how deep of cough do I need and she said to do a practice one.
I coughed deeply and she said that's fine. I asked if it was okay cuz that made my body move and she said yeah.
So I didn't feel her put the instrument in, but when I coughed, I braced myself for a hell of a lot of pain and it was just discomfort and pressure.
That wasn't so bad!
Then she said she was going to take out another piece the same way.
It felt the same way: pressure and discomfort.
She has to use silver nitrate to make the bleeding stop and she had to move the speculum around.
This is when I felt cramping and that was normal.
She said my one area stopped bleeding quickly and the other one was really bleeding bright red blood.
She had me stay still and she put pressure on that area with more silver nitrate and held it there for at least 5 minutes.
This part was MORE uncomfortable than the 'biting' out parts.
I was going to get brown discharge in my liner and can't bath or have sex for 2 weeks.
The lab will call with the results next week. We planned on me just having a LEEP because that is my damn luck.
I'm going back to work January 4 and then will need to take a day off very shortly after.
They only do surgeries on Fridays at the hospital.
I don't want to get the LEEP because I'm worried about the meds with breastfeeding.
I took one Ibrouprohen 800 at 9:30, for my 10:30 appointment.
Once in the exam room, I saw all these things out on the counter on on a side table.
Ughhhhhhhhhhh
This was happening!!
My OB-GYN came in and said that this was awful compared to the LEEP. She explained that 90% of women need a LEEP after the results come back.
If they come back as CIN 2 or 3, I will be put under anesthesia for the LEEP.
So, I had to get my feet into the stirrups with her putting the speculum in.
She told me every thing she did because I wanted her too and not be surprised.
She swabbed the inside with saline on a huge Q tip. This didn't hurt.
She took a brush looking thing and scraped inside of the cervix and that felt like she was cleaning it and didn't hurt.
She then put Ferric Subsulfate on the cervix and it was giving her an almost black light shine on the parts that appeared abnormal. She said that the acidic could feel burny, but it just felt cold to me.
She said she saw a Qtip sized area near the opening of the cervix. To her, that is small. I was thining pin prick would be small, but whatever.
She told the nurse that she was going to biopsy 12:00 and 4:00 in relation to where the spots were at. I
I tried to imagine those areas to see if I could feel it when she started.
She then inserted some device that was going to 'bite' out biopsies.
She said to cough and then that would push the cervix out and then she would get the biopsy.
I asked how deep of cough do I need and she said to do a practice one.
I coughed deeply and she said that's fine. I asked if it was okay cuz that made my body move and she said yeah.
So I didn't feel her put the instrument in, but when I coughed, I braced myself for a hell of a lot of pain and it was just discomfort and pressure.
That wasn't so bad!
Then she said she was going to take out another piece the same way.
It felt the same way: pressure and discomfort.
She has to use silver nitrate to make the bleeding stop and she had to move the speculum around.
This is when I felt cramping and that was normal.
She said my one area stopped bleeding quickly and the other one was really bleeding bright red blood.
She had me stay still and she put pressure on that area with more silver nitrate and held it there for at least 5 minutes.
This part was MORE uncomfortable than the 'biting' out parts.
I was going to get brown discharge in my liner and can't bath or have sex for 2 weeks.
The lab will call with the results next week. We planned on me just having a LEEP because that is my damn luck.
I'm going back to work January 4 and then will need to take a day off very shortly after.
They only do surgeries on Fridays at the hospital.
I don't want to get the LEEP because I'm worried about the meds with breastfeeding.
Welp...I knew it
I just knew those biopsied areas would be bad. I FUCKING KNEW IT.
They came back as CIN 2 and I will be getting a LEEP this week or next.
I'm already fretting how I am going to deal with my breasts because typically with surgeries, they want you in the hospital 3 hours before hand.
Then you have the actual surgery, then recovery time!
I nurse Val every 1.5 to 2 hours....and then I was told I could breastfeed once I got home. But I forgot to ask about pumping milk before hand.
I might have to pump milk before then dump it. Ughhhhhhhhhhh what a waste of milk, but I understand he cannot drink it.
I am going to find out more about this.
I go on to get blood work tomorrow and sign consent forms.
Luckily, it will be under general anethesia so I don't feel them! One of my friends had hers done in the doctor's office without being put under!
Holyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy shiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttt
They came back as CIN 2 and I will be getting a LEEP this week or next.
I'm already fretting how I am going to deal with my breasts because typically with surgeries, they want you in the hospital 3 hours before hand.
Then you have the actual surgery, then recovery time!
I nurse Val every 1.5 to 2 hours....and then I was told I could breastfeed once I got home. But I forgot to ask about pumping milk before hand.
I might have to pump milk before then dump it. Ughhhhhhhhhhh what a waste of milk, but I understand he cannot drink it.
I am going to find out more about this.
I go on to get blood work tomorrow and sign consent forms.
Luckily, it will be under general anethesia so I don't feel them! One of my friends had hers done in the doctor's office without being put under!
Holyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy shiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttt
LEEP
December 16: today is the day of my LEEP. It was scheduled for noon and I had to be there at 10:30 a.m. for prep.
I was able to breastfeed before leaving the house and brought my electric pump with me. I needed to put around 11:30 before surgery and keep the milk. Then during recovery, I needed to pump and throw out the milk just in case of the meds I was on during anesthesia.
It didn't take long to get prepped: I spent most of the time sitting in a recliner chair watching the Price is Right.
They took my blood and set up an IV of fluids.
I was able to get quiet of a bit of milk out during pumping which was surprisingly for I only breastfeed and rarely pump, so I wasn't expecting to get much. I think I got 4-5 ounces? Not sure.
I didn't bring any storage bottles or bags because my OB-GYN had told me to pump and dump before and after, but what was the sense in doing a dump before when all I had was an IV of fluids?
I paged the nurse and one came back to tell me that she would get me sterile urine sample containers and put my milk in the fridge. She had a 3 month old and said definitely don't pump and dump before, but afterwards.
I had to quickly take my pump off, pee, and then grab my IV bag to get down to the OR.
I was in the same OR as when I had my C-section. It is weird to walk in and see everything! And that room was fucking cold as ice too! So they gave me a warm blanket.
In there they strapped down my arms and began with the oxygen mask and before I knew it, I was waking up in the first recovery room.
My OB-GYN talked to me and said she was aggressive with a cone biopsy and got a lot of tissue out. I didn't realize that she was doing the cone, but it makes sense since one of the biopsies was internal in the cervix.
She said I didn't bleed a lot either.
She said that when the lab results come back soon, it will most like show CIN 2-3 again and that just means I will need to get a repeat pap in 3-4 months.
The lab will also be able to tell if she got it all and if the abnormality was within the margins.
UPDATE: My OB's nurse called and said the lab results were negative for CIN 2-3 or any cancer! Awesome! No need to get a repeat pap sooner than 1 year!
I am not to lift more than 10 lbs for 2 days, but I can't since Val weighs almost 18 lbs. I am home alone too, so oh well.
No sex for 4-6 weeks. I haven't gotten my period yet, but if I did, it would be no tampons or douche.
Once to the other recovery room and out of the hospital bed, around 2:20 pm. I pumped again and then threw the milk down the drain. I didn't get much milk.
I was able to breastfeed before leaving the house and brought my electric pump with me. I needed to put around 11:30 before surgery and keep the milk. Then during recovery, I needed to pump and throw out the milk just in case of the meds I was on during anesthesia.
It didn't take long to get prepped: I spent most of the time sitting in a recliner chair watching the Price is Right.
They took my blood and set up an IV of fluids.
I was able to get quiet of a bit of milk out during pumping which was surprisingly for I only breastfeed and rarely pump, so I wasn't expecting to get much. I think I got 4-5 ounces? Not sure.
I didn't bring any storage bottles or bags because my OB-GYN had told me to pump and dump before and after, but what was the sense in doing a dump before when all I had was an IV of fluids?
I paged the nurse and one came back to tell me that she would get me sterile urine sample containers and put my milk in the fridge. She had a 3 month old and said definitely don't pump and dump before, but afterwards.
I had to quickly take my pump off, pee, and then grab my IV bag to get down to the OR.
I was in the same OR as when I had my C-section. It is weird to walk in and see everything! And that room was fucking cold as ice too! So they gave me a warm blanket.
In there they strapped down my arms and began with the oxygen mask and before I knew it, I was waking up in the first recovery room.
My OB-GYN talked to me and said she was aggressive with a cone biopsy and got a lot of tissue out. I didn't realize that she was doing the cone, but it makes sense since one of the biopsies was internal in the cervix.
She said I didn't bleed a lot either.
She said that when the lab results come back soon, it will most like show CIN 2-3 again and that just means I will need to get a repeat pap in 3-4 months.
The lab will also be able to tell if she got it all and if the abnormality was within the margins.
UPDATE: My OB's nurse called and said the lab results were negative for CIN 2-3 or any cancer! Awesome! No need to get a repeat pap sooner than 1 year!
I am not to lift more than 10 lbs for 2 days, but I can't since Val weighs almost 18 lbs. I am home alone too, so oh well.
No sex for 4-6 weeks. I haven't gotten my period yet, but if I did, it would be no tampons or douche.
Once to the other recovery room and out of the hospital bed, around 2:20 pm. I pumped again and then threw the milk down the drain. I didn't get much milk.